would you please smell me?

WARNING! Some might find this blog to absolutely disgusting.

So sometime last week, I started to run out of deodorant. And being a very thrifty man, I try to get all out of my hygiene products that I possibly can. With deodorant, I use it until I make the realization that I am no longer applying deodorant to my skin, but merely just rubbing an empty plastic container under my armpit. I do this again the next morning and then buy some more. But this time, I forgot to buy more. So I wake up late one day and have to rush and shower quick to not be late for work, which I was. And I go to work. About a couple of hours into it, I make a realization! I do not smell good. I smell really gross. I ask my co-workers about how bad I smell. They reply that I don't smell. Which is total bullshit, cause I can smell it and I have the worse sense of smell in the world. And it's also bullshit, cause I don't really trust my co-workers, cause I'm just you know, kind of that way. Non-trusting way.

I finish up work and try to remember to go to the store to buy some deodorant. And now, you may think to yourself: "Steve, you work at a grocery store, why don't you just buy it there?" I'll tell you why. I work a healthy grocery store. We sell hippie deodorant that does not fucking work. It's natural deodorant. There's none of those toxic chemicals that make you smell good. Someone even told me we sell this crystal object that you rub on yourself that works like deodorant. What the fuck? I need my deodorant to work. I need whatever toxic chemicals that are in deodorant to make me not smell disgusting. Cause, healthy stuff like that, I just couldn't care less. I am always smoking like 6 packs of cigarettes a day. I am always either drinking black coffee or Miller High Life throughout an entire day. I've have not had a glass of water in two years. I. am. not. healthy. I don't care. But I do like to smell good.

So I don't go buy deodorant. I leave work and someone probably called me and is like, 'Hey I'm at this bar, come meet me!" and I'm like: "that's the greatest idea in the history of the world, I'm on my way." Then we met at the bar and got really drunk. And talked about stupid shit. And we're really wasted. Then the bartender gave us Jameson shots. And now we're even more wasted. And then we try to talk about even more stupid shit. But now we're slurring our speech. I piss myself. My friend pukes all over himself. The bartender asks us to leave. I try to punch the bartender in the face. I fall down instead. My friend helps me up. We leave. I go home. I order a pizza. I pass out asleep before it shows up. Stinking of BO. Still wearing my piss covered pants.

Or it was something of that nature. But you get the general idea: I forgot to buy deodorant.

And somehow I forgot the next day too and I just kept forgetting. Maybe it's that I'm getting older and more forgetful? Maybe I'm going through a phase of indifference? Maybe deep down, I am a filthy hippie? I haven't figured any of that out yet. But here's the thing, it seems that the stinky BO no longer stinks. Is that possible? It sounds crazy, I know. But is it? Could the body adapt, could it be like "If this asshole isn't going to make us smell us good without those toxic chemicals, we have to do something about this." Or is that I still stink, but I'm just used to it? I don't know. So I need someone, one of you that I can trust, that will tell me the truth, that won't pussyfoot around the situation, that can be honest to come over to my house or a neutral turf and smell me.