We're Fucked

I'm having one of those "hate my life" feelings. Usually when I have that feeling I don't know why I'm feeling it. Tonight, I know why.

There's no reason, for anyone, to be hand cuffed to a job 40 hours a week. That's just..god...it's disgusting. I need someone to blame so I guess that I blame Reagan. You have to, in a way, right? But Reagan's dead, and my life goes on. So what to do with myself in my current situation. A current situation that means that I have to be at work 40 hours a week. Also try to be a good partner to Lindsey. Try to write books. Read books. Watch movies. Be with friends. I'm just so grossed out by all of it. I mean, if you care about these things that isn't your job. You'll make it work, right?

I spend so much of my energy on being amazing at my job. I don't like my job. I fucking hate it. But I have to be amazing at my job. Because that's the only way that I'll be allowed to have some sort of freedom. In this way. Like no matter what I do, I'll be there 40 hours a week. But if I am amazing at my job, then I make more money. By making more money I can afford to make Summer BF Press more sustainable. I can afford to take trips to NYC. And maybe France or Holland. So there's cause to be awesome at your job. Two years ago, I quit bartending. Mainly cause it made me hate people. And I wish that I wasn't too sensitive for it. I worked 3-4 days a week, made tons of money, paid a low rent. But I had to quit. For me, bartending gave me this weird super power: the ability to see people at their worst. I don't really know how to explain it. Ask Russ Dillon.


The low rent is gone because I hated where I lived. I hated my roommate. And if I saw him today it would be pretty hard not to smash his face in.

My rent is higher now. But that's okay, cause my apartment is clean and I love my roommate, John, to death. When I quit bartending, I figured that I would keep my life really simple: work at a grocery store, get a discount on groceries, go to school. After a few months, I realized that working at a grocery store doesn't pay your bills and that working 40 hours a week and going to school full time made me a crazy person. So I stopped going to school, and I just worked at a grocery store. And became awesome at my job. In two years, I went from making $11.25 an hour to $18.50 an hour. Which is kind of ridiculous. Which is the kind of pay an entry level admin worker gets paid. Which is kind of ridiculous.

So, as of today, I make $18.50 an hour. And my life sucks. Money is the most disgusting thing in the world to me. Art is the most magical. They co-mingle everywhere. And seeing them co-mingle makes me sick. I am a part of it. I publish small books because I love the books. Then I think about sales. I can't even help it. Will the profit of this book afford me to put out the next book. The book sells well, so people must love it. It's tragic. Life is tragic. Dollars and cents are tragic. The $2.47 (seriously) in my bank account is tragic. And it's all so tragic that you have to make the tragedy into a comedy. Just to get through it all. Playing tricks on our own brains just to get through our lives, so we don't have to think about what a sham it all is. And what actually we could be doing.