Balderdash & Bedwetting

form letters

2011-03-08T23:05:00.000-08:00

When I get this:

Thank you very much for your poetic submission to "X Magazine". I enjoyed reading your poetry, but will not be accepting any of these for publication.

I send this:

It's all good.

I'll write better poems next time!

xoxo,
Steve

I'm reading not in the Bay Area

2011-03-07T22:45:00.000-08:00

Awesome.
I'm doing a reading in Brooklyn, NY on Friday March 25th. At Pete's Candy Store. It's part of Dorothea Lasky's 'Multifarious Array' reading series. But Corina Copp is hosting this one. Thanks Corina!

It starts early at like 6pm. Featuring wonderful writers: Lonely Christopher, David Buuck, Astrid Lorange, and myself.

Show up! It'll change the game. You'll think that you have the answers, but this reading will change the questions. Boom For Reals!

For Rent

2011-03-03T23:37:00.000-08:00

moving east
like east bay
by the lake
or by the place that sells
those fried chicken sandwiches
with my lady
my love
my heart monger.
realtors, please
uh...uh...
approve me?
my credit reports
need credit repair
steady income as meaninglessness
But here's the thing:I'm not sorry.
Macy's fucking sucks.
And everyone, once in a while
should be entitled to a free bag of socks.
OK, I am sorry
I'll fix it. I'll call up
my collectors.
In the meantime,
you and me let's
cruise and find
out where people
like us live
buh-rip

rock bottom at Poet's Theatre

2011-01-31T23:54:00.000-08:00

Poem

2011-01-26T00:19:00.000-08:00

I want money lots and lots of money
What band read my diary and wrote that song? I’d google it but I’m busy writing more thought provoking poetry. The kind that the King of Finland will read, hopefully in the new issue of Mrs. Maybe (if they accept my submission, and if they have that type of distribution) and ask one of his many servants to write a letter to me, asking if I would bring my words and wisdom to their fair country. Where I’ll be set up with a modest apartment and will only write when the muse permits. And I won’t have to even walk inside a grocery store and I’ll drink green tea by the sea side. That's if Finland does have a sea side. If Finland does have a king. All I want is my soul not fall out of my mouth. Be it in America or Finland.

week's end

2011-01-24T10:08:00.000-08:00

Weekend. Watched a lot of the 1985 World Series that I recently purchased. Lots of big ass glasses (Pat Sheridan & Darrel Porter, I'm looking at you. I know that you're looking at me with those big ass glasses), big ass mustaches, tight pants, astro turf, huge wads of chew. I still can't escape Tim McCarver, even in a time machine.

Read a lot of stuff. Ted Berrigan's Collected Poems. Jack Spicer's Black Sparrow Collected Books. Hung out with John Sakkis and listened to Donna Summer. Stole off bites of Lindsey Boldt's grilled veggie burrito. Drank beers. Walked to over to Wazemia, saw Cedar Sigo, Patrick Dunnigan, Jason Morris, and Michael Carr. I think that they were talking about poetry. I think that I was talking about tennis. But that doesn't seem right. I don't know much about poetry, even less about tennis.

Back home with Lindsey and John. Drank more beers, listened to the Pogues. Tried out our stand up routines with the divine help of Milton Berle. None of the jokes were funny. And we all got boo'd off the stage.

We all went to a play rehearsal the next day. Waited half an hour for the bus. Bus came and was packed. Ran into my former co worker Georgia, said that we should go to the video game exhibit at CCA. The bus driver made everyone get off the crowded ass bus at Valencia. Waited for another crowded ass bus. It finally showed up. We were forty minutes late. We felt like punks. We play punks in the play. Even Kennedy and David Brazil are directing. Rehearsals ended. We forgot about the video games and went over to Thee Parkside. Lindsey and I split a fried chicken sandwich. The fried chicken sandwich is like, "our sandwich". Some couples have "their song". Lindsey and I have "our sandwich".

There was more. But I have to go to my good ass job. I'll tell you the rest later.

We're Fucked

2010-12-06T00:16:00.000-08:00

I'm having one of those "hate my life" feelings. Usually when I have that feeling I don't know why I'm feeling it. Tonight, I know why.

There's no reason, for anyone, to be hand cuffed to a job 40 hours a week. That's just..god...it's disgusting. I need someone to blame so I guess that I blame Reagan. You have to, in a way, right? But Reagan's dead, and my life goes on. So what to do with myself in my current situation. A current situation that means that I have to be at work 40 hours a week. Also try to be a good partner to Lindsey. Try to write books. Read books. Watch movies. Be with friends. I'm just so grossed out by all of it. I mean, if you care about these things that isn't your job. You'll make it work, right?

I spend so much of my energy on being amazing at my job. I don't like my job. I fucking hate it. But I have to be amazing at my job. Because that's the only way that I'll be allowed to have some sort of freedom. In this way. Like no matter what I do, I'll be there 40 hours a week. But if I am amazing at my job, then I make more money. By making more money I can afford to make Summer BF Press more sustainable. I can afford to take trips to NYC. And maybe France or Holland. So there's cause to be awesome at your job. Two years ago, I quit bartending. Mainly cause it made me hate people. And I wish that I wasn't too sensitive for it. I worked 3-4 days a week, made tons of money, paid a low rent. But I had to quit. For me, bartending gave me this weird super power: the ability to see people at their worst. I don't really know how to explain it. Ask Russ Dillon.

The low rent is gone because I hated where I lived. I hated my roommate. And if I saw him today it would be pretty hard not to smash his face in.

My rent is higher now. But that's okay, cause my apartment is clean and I love my roommate, John, to death. When I quit bartending, I figured that I would keep my life really simple: work at a grocery store, get a discount on groceries, go to school. After a few months, I realized that working at a grocery store doesn't pay your bills and that working 40 hours a week and going to school full time made me a crazy person. So I stopped going to school, and I just worked at a grocery store. And became awesome at my job. In two years, I went from making $11.25 an hour to $18.50 an hour. Which is kind of ridiculous. Which is the kind of pay an entry level admin worker gets paid. Which is kind of ridiculous.

So, as of today, I make $18.50 an hour. And my life sucks. Money is the most disgusting thing in the world to me. Art is the most magical. They co-mingle everywhere. And seeing them co-mingle makes me sick. I am a part of it. I publish small books because I love the books. Then I think about sales. I can't even help it. Will the profit of this book afford me to put out the next book. The book sells well, so people must love it. It's tragic. Life is tragic. Dollars and cents are tragic. The $2.47 (seriously) in my bank account is tragic. And it's all so tragic that you have to make the tragedy into a comedy. Just to get through it all. Playing tricks on our own brains just to get through our lives, so we don't have to think about what a sham it all is. And what actually we could be doing.

New Poem

2010-07-28T01:37:00.000-07:00

OK, here's a new poem for y'all.

Tomorrow is a parakeet in your dream
Today is I am Leonard Zelig,
I am omnipresent and I'm totally
Sobbing up the lite rock, I am holding
and petting a baby ostrich, trying to make it purr.
There's a family of Philanders sleeping on the floor
I go all vortex and can't stop brushing my tongue
In the mood for violent activity and irresistible force
I have a certain irresistible force and it smells musky.
But just too embarrassed.
I pull out an old VHS tape of me doing magic.
I watch myself make my kitty disappear.
And with it's success, I smoke another cigarette.
To have an ostrich in your dreams means
or might just suggest that you are not facing
reality and living in a world of your own.
So how is it possible to be omnipresent
and still hold a baby ostrich in your lap?
It's easy. It's not a dream.

2010-07-16T17:09:00.000-07:00

Have a good weekend everybody. I'm going to see the movie Metropolis tonight at the Castro Theatre. It's a new cut of the film with about 25 additional minutes. So apparently the narrative kinda makes sense? Maybe? They found the footage in Buenos Aires in 2008. See, I think that when Metropolis debuted in Berlin in 1927, Fritz Lang and his team had several discussions. One of those was from a gentleman in South America, who loved it coughed up some dough and left for somewhere in South America to show the film. One of the other conversations that were had were studio heads that thought that film was way too fucking long and that film would bomb if it wasn't cut. So they cut the film from 153 minutes to 90 minutes. Quite the cut. And a lot of times back in those days, after they cut a film, they would sometime just through the parts that were cut in to the trash heap. Sometimes they would just put the films in some room unprotected and the film would eventually turn into something that is not unlike vinegar. Needless, I don't know which of these two paths of destruction the cut parts of the film took. But it was gone.

There was some found footage in the late 90's/early 2000's. And they put another version together that was about 124 minutes. This version was what everyone thought would be probably the most complete version that would ever be of the film. Until 2008. The 16mm version that was taken from Germany into South America was actually found and it actually existed. So they restored it (again). And now it's playing tonight in The Silent Film Festival. Which I will be attending because it was my birthday a week ago, and Lindsey gave me that and other wonderful presents.

I might also go to this on Saturday:

Also, many hangouts with wonderful friends.

Lunch Poems

2010-07-05T10:22:00.000-07:00

I feel bad about that post down below.

I was at Lindsey's house reading an issue of Mrs. Maybe and I was reading Brandon Brown's poem "Columbus Day" I was really moved by it, the honesty of the piece. The language of the piece. I consider that poem to be, in all seriousness, great art. Why? Because it made me think honestly about my life and it made me want to make art. Lindsey was in the shower, so I went out on the stoop to smoke. There in my head I conjured up a little paragraph, about my life, about Frank O'Hara, about how I just haven't been doing anything lately. I went through my paragraph in my head twice, reworking it. It was wonderful and full of magic in my head. I sort of rushed back inside of the house and sat at Lindsey's computer. I wrote it out. But I didn't have it the same way as I had just had had it on the stoop. The theme was the same. But somewhere in my dash from stoop to computer my perceived magic of the language had fallen apart. I looked at the words on the screen and I knew that I had gotten it wrong. I was kinda pissed.

The piece was about how I read Frank O'Hara's Lunch poems on my lunch break at work. And what a bummer it was that I was having my lunch break around the same time that my friends were meeting up and being social. I think what I wanted to convey was that the bummer was actually that here I am at 30, working the night shift and living a very uninteresting life. Or maybe I'm just revising my own thoughts and those thoughts didn't show up until this morning. But let's just say that was what I wanted to say, then and now.

My hat is off to those of you that work your 40 hour a week soul crushing job and still keep your soul intact and make art or something art like. I'm not very good at it. Or haven't been lately. I come home from work and I'm tired and my feet hurt and I just want to sit around. Not think. Not move. I think that part of the reason that I enjoy 'studying' film is that so I can sit around all day watching movies. And I can sleep very easy thinking about all that I accomplished.

The poem that was so wonderful in my head and so mediocre on the screen, wasn't very honest. I haven't read much of Frank O'Hara's Lunch Poems. I play this nasty trick on myself daily. I keep a copy of it in my apron while I work. And then I get ready for lunch and during that time I will go to the computer and type out the poems and begin getting myself out of my unstimulated funk. I will learn what these poems mean and see what if any purpose they can bring to my brain. I got the idea to do this from Dana Ward.

But what actually happens is that it's lunch time. I take my apron off, I clock out, I smoke, I get my lunch from the break room, I heat it up in the microwave, I take the elevator back to the sales floor, I go to the office, I get on the computer, I read about celebrity gossip, I look at the clock, and count the minutes until I have to be back, I realize that I have ten minutes, I realize that I forgot again about the Lunch Poems, I feel angry at myself, I clock in.

Oh and on a side note, why do I have to wear an apron at work? I'm not cooking food. There's actually very little nastiness that could harm my garments.

So, that's my current relationship with that book. And it's sort of become a symbol for my current life. This thing that's right there with me at all times that I just forget about, that goes to waste because I subconsciously don't want to deal with it. Is it fear that I won't understand the text? Is it a fear of pushing my brain into somewhere dark that I don't want to go? Is it a fear or trying and then the presumed failing? I'm not sure. I'm just fairly certain that my action/lack of action is fear based. And isn't that terrifying?

But there's no time like the present to get yourself unstuck. So, I'm awake, sitting in my pajamas, drinking coffee, and writing. It's not a big deal. But it's good and it's what I feel like I need to be doing. And I'm telling myself, "You've got to write today, because you are, at some point, going to get old and your brain's going to only work well enough to realize that you've have wasted your potential, but not well enough to do anything about it. And your bald. And you're wrinkley. And you smell like cotton balls."

See that fear. I just flipped it on you. Topsy turvey. You're working for me today.

2010-06-16T00:52:00.000-07:00

This is an idea that I had for a poems called, "Customer Service Associate Team Leader"

I'm sitting in the break room reading Frank O'Hara's Lunch Poems. And I thought "Hey! That's funny I'm reading Lunch Poems on my lunch break". But why am I'm taking a lunch break at seven o'clock? And why am I working on a Saturday, while my friends are meeting up at some bar, smoking cigarettes and enjoying free popcorn? Who besides me eats lunch so late?

Unsatisified Customer Inspires Formation of R&B Group And Other Stories

2010-06-13T19:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes people buy things. All kinds of people. All kinds of things. Some of these people buy things that they at one time thought that would like. But for one reason or another, they found that they don't like it. So they bring it back to the store that they bought it from in order to get their money back. This is called a return. And when they come to do their return at my store, they usually have to speak to me.

Sometimes the people who would like to return things feel the need to explain the exact reasons why they are returning an item. Now, if you readers are ever in position where you must return something, let me tell you that the person that is handling your return does not care why you are returning this. Well, most of the time they don't care. They might care if they themselves actually made the actual product. They might also care if they have power issues. Now, I'll admit that I have some power issues. But these issues have never manifested themselves into caring why you're mad that all three of the avocados that you bought were "sorta brownish".

Every return that I do, I have to fill out a little piece of paper and on that piece of paper I have to list a reason as to why the item was returned. So I figured that if they're going to all of this trouble of explaining why they must return it, I would just quote them on the reason slip. Here's a list of some reasons that I received today:

"sorta brownish avocados"
"hurt my teeth"
"mom wouldn't eat it"
"cod smelled fishy"
"burned her tongue"
"nasty aftertaste"

Nasty Aftertaste. This phrase kind of moved me. And it kind of inspired me. But then I thought that just the word "Aftertaste" had more weight, was kinda secretive, kinda sexier. Was it a nice aftertaste? Or was it a nasty aftertaste? You be the judge. Yes, Aftertaste was a powerful name. And it would become the name of my new R&B group.

I then enlisted three of my coworkers to see if they would be interested in starting an R&B group called Aftertaste. And they were. Of course. And we immediately found our roles for the group. Here's what's up:

Colton would be the soulful cute one that all the girls would want to have tender moments with.

Calvin would be the overtly sexual one that wants to get real freaky.

Bradley would be the artistic one, the studio mastermind and control freak.

And I would be the one that would have a drug problem, who also has an on again off again relationship with Whitney Houston.

We'll probably have choreography.

We came up with three songs through the course of our eight hour shift, which only lasted about six hours cause I was asked if I wanted to go home early because I wasn't doing any work. "Let Me Suck The Cheetos Dust From Your Fingers", "Let Me Be Your Babysitter" and "Don't Be A Bum In Bed". I imagine we'll probably rename "Let Me Suck The Cheetos Dust From Your Fingers" to just "Cheetos Dust". Or maybe it should be "Let Me Suck (The Cheetos Dust From Your Fingers)". Which ever. Doesn't really matter. I'm just really excited about Aftertaste. And I'm really excited to be the one that gets to have the drug problem. Get your itunes store ready.

Gout Blog

2010-06-07T00:15:00.000-07:00

I'm so with you, John Sakkis.

I want to bring the blogs back. I initially started this blog as a way to get myself to write everyday, mainly so that I could learn to write to a daily audience. I really wanted to become a better writer and I thought that blogging would help. And, for a while, it did work. I wrote a lot everyday and I learned a lot. I also learned that I was truly in love with Bruce Springsteen. And that I was addicted to meth. And that I wanted to smell really fucking good. And that I really loved writing. And I think, through this blog, that I became slightly better at writing. Then I joined facebook. Oh, facebook, it was once so wonderful. If I had a month where I was really into early Bee Gees records, it was just much easier and efficient to post a few youtube videos of early Bee Gees songs than it was to write about how I was really into early Bee Gees records at that time. And I'd get a lot more comments on facebook than I would on the blog. Ok, maybe the same amount. But it was much easier.

You like this

But for my own good, I need to be writing about these things that all of a sudden take my interest. But what do I write about now? I dunno. What if nothing is taking my interest? So I listened to 'The Joshua Tree' and looked at John's blog, one of the blogs that inspired this one, and it dawned on me: I'm going to write about the food/beverage that I've consummated in the last two weeks, which is:

43 pieces of fried chicken
7.25 pounds of ribs
3.5 pounds of shrimp
11.25 pounds of red meat
3 pounds of bacon
1 serving of orange juice
12 eggs over easy
A pear
9 ounces of water
225 ounces of coffee
37 pieces of nicotine chewing gum
217 American Spirit ultra lights
40 servings of Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice Cream
3.5 servings of greens
Two green beans
319 cans of Tecate

This recent look at my diet led to my (ir)rational fear of getting The Gout.

In case, you don't want to read through wikipedia's take on gout. Let me just show you this sentence:

About 12% of gout is attributed to dietary causes.[1] This includes a strong association with the consumption of alcohol, sugar, meat, and seafood

I'm kinda fucked, right? I thought so. I still kind of think so. The Gout is fucked up, it's like you have to try and get it. But I feel like if I continue with my current dietary lifestyle, then I'm totally going to fucking get it. I was explaining this fear of The Gout to my very-special-lady-friend, Lindsey. Lindsey cut me up a bunch of fruit and told me that my gout fears were kinda irrational. I told her about my recent diet. I told her that I'm afraid of getting The Gout because getting The Gout is so easy to avoid. She told me that I should be more worried about the 217 American Spirit ultra lights that I had smoked. And the 1,342 American Spirits I was planning to smoke. And then somehow we got to talking about my writing and how I don't do that much of it anymore. And she told me that I should write for McSweeney's. Cause the kind of writing that I used to write would be perfect for McSweeney's. I thought about it. I thought about this blog. And I think that she's right. I should be more prepared for writing an article in McSweeney's than prepared for dealing with The Gout. And I think that I have a new goal. To write. To eat leafy green vegetables. To not be ashamed for being in love with Bruce Springsteen. To not get The Gout and to write. And to spit in the face of these badlands.

You like this

Thanks John! Thanks Lindsey!

Chapbook Press

2010-04-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

Hey friends,

Just wanted to let you know what I've been up to. I recently started a chapbook press with the lovely Lindsey Boldt, called Summer BF Press. Today is the official release of our first book, Typing Wild Speech, by Dana Ward. I'm very proud to be part of this and I highly recommend that you pick up a copy of it and also of Lindsey's Oh My, Hell Yes at our website summerbfpress.blogspot.com

Oscar Fever

2010-03-08T11:35:00.000-08:00

Wow, yesterday was pretty gnarly. I woke up feverish and wasn't sure if I could get out of bed. Then I had to get out of bed as quickly became crazy nauseous. After a while I started to feel a little better, so I tried to get myself together to go to work. I'm a workaholic, so I can't really just take a day off. But by the time I got to the "office" I couldn't feel my hands. What was wrong with me? I'm glad that you asked. I was suffering from 'Oscar Fever'.

So like I said, I was sick as a dog and stuck at the "office". But what was I going to do? I either needed to lay down or to watch me some Oscars. So instead of just working really hard like I usually do, I just stayed over by the computer, I'd watch the Yahoo live results. And then I would yell at my "colleagues" and "clients" the results.

I usually don't see a lot of movies while they're out in theatres. But this year I tried to make an effort to see some and I ended up seeing some stuff that actually got nominated for awards. But, I still didn't really care who won or lost. Which makes the fact that I got a terrible case of Oscar Fever well, rather silly. Anyway, here's a list off the top of my head of the 2009 films I saw:

Inglorious Basterds
Up
Star Trek
Avatar
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Crazy Heart
Broken Embraces
The Hangover

That's all that I can think of right now. I liked'em all. Here I'll review them all really quickly.

Inglorious Basterds: It's totally an American snuff film about killing Nazis. There's basically two stories of revenge playing at the same time. I wish that the movie was longer so you got to see more of both stories or that there was only one of those two stories going on. I definitely would have been into watching nothing but the basterds gone on crazy nazi killing adventures for 3 hours. And the same goes for the movie theatre proprietor. My two favorite things about Inglorious Basterds: the history lesson on what happens to nitrate film and Chistoph Waltz, being a nutty fucking Nazi.

Wait, these are supposed to be real short reviews.

Up: It's cute and it's fucking depressing. Here I am in a movie theatre, a 30 year old man, at the movies by himself, surrounded by kids and I'm sobbing. I'm sobbing a bunch of times

Star Trek: Pretty bad ass and way fun. And the ladies love Spock. They really do.

Crazy Heart: Is movies about alcoholic country singers a film genre? If it is, then Crazy Heart is about as perfect as you can get for what it is.

Avatar: Totally stupid. And totally fun. My favorite thing was the big tough Marine guy, who is just so happy to be blowing up giant shit.

Fantastic Mr. Fox: Super great. You have to be impressed with stop motion animation, it's fucking insane. And it's also a really good heist movie.

Broken Embraces: Probably my favorite 2009 movie. I was so into the melodrama. And I love that movie within a movie thing. I think that if I were to make a movie today I would do one of those movies within a movie. things. Oh and I'd also try to get Penelope Cruz get naked in it. That never hurts.

The Hangover: No Oscar nod for Zach Galifianakis? Criminal.

OK, so I didn't see last night's big winner, 'The Hurt Locker'. I think that a lot of people haven't seen it. I heard that no film has ever made as little as the box office and won the Best Picture Award. Kathryn Bigelow won Best Director which makes her the first woman to win the award. Which is kind of...about time, right? I think it was more of an apology Oscar. Like "sorry, we should have given Kathryn the award for directing 'Point Break' so we'll just go ahead and make up for that blunder by giving you one for this Hurt Locker thing. Sorry. Our bad."

Also, Sandra Bullock won an apology Oscar. She should have one for Speed 2: Cruise Control.

I'm just kidding about Sandra. I haven't seen 'The Blind Side' but I am convinced that it's awful. Cause it stars Sandra Bullock and she's pretty not very good in every movie that she's appeared in. WTF!

More similar WTF? moments: Avatar won best cinematography. Really? There was probably 15 minutes of the movie that was actually "filmed".

Christoph Watlz winning is probably my favorite award for the night. That was probably the one I was rooting for the most. I guess I'm glad that Jeff Bridges won, but I mean I think that a lot of people could have played that role. I think Robert Duvall should've gotten a best supporting nod for Crazy Heart. I think Robert Duvall and Zack Galifianakis should make a cop buddy movie. Or a remake of 'Colors'.

Ok, so that's all that I got for Oscar thoughts right now. If I think of more, I'll let you know.

Barry Bonds

2010-02-27T13:41:00.000-08:00

Sorry dude although everyone saw this coming. Not a one of you is without flaw. Not a one of you would talk smack to the mans face and you know it! How could you have no policy against it? At least you didn't cheat on your wife, Looking forward to being insulted for my stance. At least I think so. Now we're appalled.

Barry Bonds has not done himself any favors with his crappy attitude, Maybe Bonds was not "BIG" enough if you catch my drift. Steroids never produced the beautiful swing he had. Barry was a Hall of Fame player even before the steroid controversy. Face it, people just can't stand the fact that there has never been any concrete proof he used steroids. BARRY could hit that ball fool. U r stoopid

I love how the media and fans claim to want Barry banned from baseball all together. He has never admited to using steroids. every time he eats chicken and waffles, or happens to divorce his wife. Jesus Chris! You people have got to get over it. Otherwise the baseball season will continue to resemble a game of Monopoly.

At least Barry fell from grace defending himself. Half of the league used and only a handful got caught.
Could you live with Barry Bonds 23/7? guess it is true about drugs and shrinkage. May enhance your baseball skills but it sure don't enhance what matters to the wife. Ouch. LOL @ her wanting custody big shocker there, his balls probably too small after all those roids he took. Didn't read the article, The guy is terrible to be around I'm sure. Wouldn't you leave and be happy with a million dollars a year!

He cheated on his wife numerous times and is a jerk-off no doubt. He has turned more tail down, then we can say we had! have no respect for him and am more than glad he's no longer in baseball. its probably because he's at home all the time instead of playing baseball 8-9 months a year. since barry cheated in FRONT OF MILLIONS, so odd he might cheat on ONE??? Only kiddin... I seriously doubt she will win Joint Custody of their daughter after whats she has done. I wonder how she would be able to support the kid on her own because she doesnt currently work.

She didn't want to have to visit him in prison. I'm a cub fan, and YES, i'd put Scammin Slammy Sosa in same boat. He made his bed now he has to sleep in it, alone that is! Pujols will have the record one day and Bonds will be an afterthought. so not too bad. Not like those punks A Rod, Clemens,and McGwire. I really hope the next commissioner has a pair of testicles. Plays video games all day, eats like a pig, snores, farts,and insults the wife.

Bonds is one of the biggest frauds in baseball. Why is this news? why do you write this sh*t?? maybe the woman found out he is gay. She must have had enough of his acne breakouts. How many of you ran down Jordan when he cheated on his wife and got caught? making him the scapegoat is ridiculous. I love how the list of 104 guys who tested positive was part of a test. A good percentage of major league players were juiced and writers do not have any thing else to do. Tough one Barry.

2010-02-01T22:44:00.000-08:00

Jamie Bolton's Minimalistic Movie Posters:

Back again (and trying to sell you stuff)

2010-01-11T21:54:00.000-08:00

Ok! So I finally have internet in the house again. And this time I think it's going to stay. Sorry about all of that. I got a couple of very exciting projects that will be on the way. I don't want to say too much about it, but I'll give you a clue: One's a chapbook and the other is a talk show. And that's all that I am going to say about that. For Now. So start getting stoked! Updates to come!

So in the meantime I have three recommendations for you:

The first one is that Brandon Brown will be self releasing 3 chapbooks in early 2010. TOOTH FAIRY, THE ORGY, and YOUR MOM'S A FALCONRESS AND OTHER POEMS. These chapbooks will be available in limited edition for $4.00 apiece of $10.00 for all three. I've already sent Brandon my $10 and I strongly suggest that you do the same. Visit his website and put your money down.

Second, Have you still not bought John Sakkis' book Rude Girl from Blaze Vox? It's fanfuckingtastic. I own a copy and I feel great. Don't you wanna feel great? You finally can. Right now. Right Here.

And third, Chicago's finest unemployed resident, Logan Ryan Smith has a new chapbook, Tracks, out on ypolita press. I haven't read Tracks, but I only assume that it is fucking genius. And crazy as fuck. I'd suggest that you visit Logan's blog to see just how smart, crazy, and also handsome he actually is. But I won't. He put the blog on private. Because Logan is terrified that his would be employer might read his blog, find out how crazy, smart, and handsome Logan actually is and be too intimated to give him a job. What a pity. So buy his chapbook.

Neighbors and Daniel Johnston. I'm neighbors with Daniel Johnston.

2009-10-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

So like, I said before, I moved. I'm somewhere around lower Haight and Western Addition. It's sort of incredible to be out of the Tenderloin. I mean, I'll be walking, and I'll almost step into some dogshit. And I'll think, "Fuck, I almost walked into dogshit." In the Tenderloin, I was never quite sure, from where or who the shit came from. It was almost always, I assumed, personshit. Because for every dog that I saw walking around the Tenderloin, I'd see about 2.8 batshit crazy persons pooping on the sidewalk. But I think that the weirdest part is that it never seemed out of the ordinary, I never felt weird about some batshit crazy person doing their business on the sidewalk. "That's just city living."

How did I become so desensitized?

But now, living here in my new neighborhood, I realize that it is not ok for humans to be pooping on the sidewalk. And it's not ok for me to think that it's ok, that it's "just city living". It's really gross and it should be thought of as gross. Or at least off-putting. OK, it was always off-putting. But it was accepted for some strange reason.

I'm sorry if this is gross. I understand if you don't want to read anymore.

But the point that I was trying to get across is this:
I feel very lucky and fortunate to sometimes almost step in dogshit.

Another thing about living around here. I used to work in this neighborhood as a bartender. So I know quite a few people around. And every time I leave the house, I usually run into someone I know. Sometimes I don't like that at all. Sometimes I do, and I feel popular and that people generally like me and are happy to see me.I sometimes wonder if people are trying to get my attention, cause they think that I can hook them up with free beers. I can not. But don't tell anyone.

I'm going to see Daniel Johnston on Thursday. I was trying to think of the first time that I became aware of Daniel Johnston. It wasn't that movie, The Devil and Daniel Johnston, which I haven't seen. And yes, I already know what you're going to say. So feel free to copy & paste this in the comment box:

"Oh you got to see that movie. You would love it. I can't believe that you haven't seen it. It's so good. You're so incredibly good looking, Steve. Rent that movie. I can't believe such a wonderful and beautiful man like yourself hasn't seen that movie. Do yourself a favor and watch it. It'll blow your mind. You're so amazing, Steve. I love you and everything you do is art."

So, I'm trying to do my best to remember Daniel Johnston, and when I first heard him. Granted, it's fairly new to my life. While I was being so cool, I forgot to be so hip. I think it might have been from a mixtape that someone made me. But then I started thinking, "Who would have made me that mixtape?" And I couldn't think of a soul. Or maybe it was cause I saw this Daniel Johnston tribute record that had Tom Waits, Beck, TV On The Radio on it. And though, "Well, there must be something to this guy." Then I just downloaded a few of his records. I don't remember. It doesn't really matter, although a good story to tell about it is what I prefer. But I guess that I don't have one. I'll think about it and leave with a cliffhanger.

COMIN' RIGHT BACK (like a heart attack)

2009-10-15T00:45:00.000-07:00

Hey y'all. It's been a while since there's been anything up on this blog. Shit got weird. Or actually shit stopped being weird. I dunno. Something happened. But I think that I just wasn't feeling like blogging for a bit and now I do.

Let's get started. I stopped blogging in June. I was in the process of moving and I no longer had any connection to the internet. I was also in a bad mood about 90% of the time and didn't want to blog about how I hated everything. And also I didn't see the point of telling my friends a bunch of bullshit. Like:

I got married.

I am addicted to crystal meth.

I stopped wearing deodorant.

I have fleas.

Lies. All lies. Sorry.

Ok, so at one point in my life I had fleas. Brandon Brown and I had an apartment at Clayton and Hayes. And if you've ever spent extended amounts of time with Brandon and/or I around 2001-2003, then you probably lived there. At some point in life, somehow, it was just Brandon and I living there. So Brandon immediately bailed to spend the summer in Chicago. He set me up with a subletting hippie from Santa Cruz, Amanda. Amanda immediately had her cokehead friend move in as well. I had recently bought a mattress off of craigslist and was no longer sleeping in a cot. Yes, I slept in a cot for about 6 months. I told people that I had tuberculous. One night, I, somehow, convinced a girl to sleep with me. And in the five minutes of passionate love making, we broke the cot. So then I slept on the floor. Then I got the bed. Then Brandon left. Then Amanda and her cokeheaded home girl moved in. Then we got fleas. I assumed, probably because of a guilt complex that I have, it was because of the matress. So I put it out on the street, with a note:

"Probably flea infested"

It was gone within half an hour. What's up San Francisco?

Then I told the girls to leave town for the weekend. They did. They probably went to some breathing exercise clinic up around Sasha Mountain or met some sailors and got coked up on some elderly man's house boat. I dunno. So I bombed the house and stayed at my then girlfriend's house.

I still remember not being able to sleep that night. Totally anxious that I either:

A.) poisoned all of my neighbors to death,

B.) burned down the apartment building.

I didn't do either. And the bomb worked. And we no longer had fleas.

Then Amanda and her coke head homie left. Brandon came back and we had the place to ourselves. Brandon started taking inventory of his room, that Amanda and her coke head homie had been in, and Brandon found millions upon millions of dead fleas upon his bookshelf. The same place where Amanda and her coke head homie had all their plants. So I figure that it was from there plants that the fleas came from. So it maybe wasn't my shady mattress after all.

So then Brandon and I then bought a French press and had the best cup of coffee of our lives. Then we bought a bar. A personal bar for our living room. Then Matthew Arnone moved in, then John Griener moved in. And then Logan Ryan Smith was there. Then John Sakkis was there. It was good times. There was hecka pizza and Miller High Life.

I don't know why I told that story. Hope you liked it.

So what's up with me now.

I am now the proud roommate of John Sakkis. We live in the lower Haight. We drink hecka Miller High Life. We eat hecka tuna salad. We listen to Boz Scaggs and just cool out.

I have a special lady friend. She's an absolute gem. A sensation. She's like the north star. She makes me all giggly.

Yeah, I said giggly. But fuck you. I ain't soft. I'll still cut you. I'm like DMX: I'm not a nice person.

I'm still rocking that art house movie bullshit. Just watched Woman In The Dunes. Fuck Yeah, y'all. I wanna write a review of that soon. In fact, I have plans to start up a website film journal sort of thing. I hope to do it before 2010. If any of you wanna write movie reviews, send'em my way and let's rock that shit.

And lastly, I've been writing a book about time travel. I have had a few missteps, but it seems to have finally taken it's shape. It's also about stand up comedy, impoverished slave children of Haiti, larceny, kidnapping, cock fighting, Germans fleeing to South America, and easy ways to land a job in housekeeping. It'll be ready in couple of years.

Kansas City Royals

2009-05-24T00:48:00.000-07:00

My favorite baseball team, The Royals, have been shutout two days in a row. Where do I throw the blame?

The recently disabled Mike Aviles, who's only been hitting .183 this season?

or

Luke Hochevar's ERA with runners in scoring position, which happens to be a mesmerizing, 43.88?

or

Joakim Soria's bum shoulder or Alex Gordan's fucked up hip?

or

Kyle Farnsworth not bodyslaming, but "pitching?"

or

Mike Jacob's goatee?

No, friends, I blame Royals General Manager Dayton Moore's pants. What the fuck is up with his pants? Big and baggy, pleats, left side has wrinkles, right side does not. How the fuck are you supposed to general manage a baseball team while wearing such fucked pants. So Dayton if you're pants don't figure themselves out in the next couple of weeks they'll be held responsible for our team missing the playoffs for the 24th year in a row.

You, DM's pants, are now officially on the hot seat.

Random things said to me between Thursday & Sunday

2009-05-18T23:46:00.000-07:00

In all seriousness:

"Hello"
"Do you ride a fixed gear bike?"
"That coat does not fit you"
"Which coworkers have you slept with?"
"Are you cock blocking me?"
"Are you into The Dream?"
"You wanna see The Dream in San Jose?"
"Get your turd out of my taco" (seriously)
"You're always so nice"
"Do you have any diseases?"
"We're just coloring"
"I like it when you call me T-Pain"
"It's good, but it stinks up the whole house"
"Do you have any cigarettes?"
"I really like Billy Joel"
"He showed this (a middle finger) to me"
"Do you ride a fixed gear bike?" (again)
"I'm an EMT"
"I'm really into Star Trek" (about a hundred times)
"I'm unemployed"
"I just really hate everything"
"I don't really drink shots"
"You have nice hands"
"Check out the sluts"
"I can't stand Billy Joel"
"Cats is my favorite musical of all time"
"I'm Michael Jackson"
"Port-a-Potties smell better than this"
"I'm trying to look like Coolio"
"Those people are real assholes"
"She fucking sucks"
"You should call her"
"I paid my money for my songs"
"You almost made me cry"
"You want some cheese cake?"

2009-04-13T15:47:00.000-07:00

Insane & legendary music genius Phil Spector was finally found guilty today of killing actress Lana Clarkson at his home in 2003. Spector has also been apparently dead since 2006. Good god! This is terrifying. The Barack Obama Rocks pin is a nice touch to make Spector seem vibrant and informative of current events. Even though he is not cause he's obviously been dead for years.

2009-04-01T13:56:00.000-07:00

Ouch! I done fucked up. I screwed the pooch. Springsteen is playing in San Jose tonight and I totally forgot. I blame the fact that it's now April. I never thought that March would end. It just kept dragging on. Nothing bad happened, but I wasn't feeling it. Maybe I'm depressed. Or was? I feel pretty good right now. Maybe it's the new brown pants that I bought. And in case that you are wondering, I did buy the skinny ones, but I didn't buy super skinny ones. I bought size 34 waist, which is strange cause I'm a 30 waist. Pants are weird. Pant sizes are weird. Y'all feelin' me? I also got some white chucks. Chucks are never weird.

But yeah, March ended and now Springsteen's playing in San Jose tonight. I gotta work and I ain't got enough dough for the show. So I'm missing it. I'm not terribly bummed. I saw him 3 times on the Magic Tour. And hopefully/probably there will be a second leg of the tour that'll come back around here. I do feel bad for Logan and Brandon. We had sorta plans to go and we were going to haggle for tickets. And neither of them have seen Springsteen. Sorry dudes! Next time.

I also would to apologize to Bruce personally. I just got off the phone with him and he seemed really hurt that I forgot he was going to be in town. I mean he tried to pretend like it was all good, bu I could hear the sadness in the voice. I guess that he had also made dinner reservations at some fancy place. Bruce was like, "I guess I could see if Patti would want to come instead." God, I feel like a real asshole right now. Might be a somber set tonight. Sorry Boss. Sorry San Jose.

Marlowe stuff. Watched "The Falcon Takes Over" Verdict: Disqualified. It is the "Farewell, My Lovely" story. But it's some suave British dude named The Falcon in the lead. The Falcon is not Phillip Marlowe. Anyway the movie sucked. Skip it. Watch Murder, My Sweet instead. Or reruns of Family Matters. Whateves you want.

Rewatched Reservoir Dogs last night. So good.

So, I'm working on my 2009 baseball predictions and it'll be posting it by opening day. Opening Day is Monday! Wait, this is why I feel pretty good right now. I think I'm going to persuade my bar boss to let me open one of the bars on Monday at 10:00 in the morning so I can watch all the baseball that I want, instead of having to go to another bar and pay to watch Opening Day. The fact that Opening Day is not a national holiday is so fucking stupid. When I eventually have the 12 children that I am planning on having, there is no way that they're going to school on Opening Day. They're going with me to the ballpark. And they're going to watch baseball. And they're going to watch me drink too much and started screaming profanities at the other team, and at other fans, and to nobody at all in general. And they're going to have fun and love it. Election day should also be a national holiday, but that's another post.

Week 2 playlist

2009-03-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

more Marlowe time

2009-03-18T13:55:00.000-07:00

I know that I said "Falcon Takes Over" would be next. But I have had a little problem tracking it down. So, for now let's take a look at another one:

The Long Goodbye (1973. directed by Robert Altman)

Ah the age of neo-noir. Now here's the thing about the Marlowe screen character. He's tough, he's wise-cracking, he's cold, the chicks dig him, and he never ever really knows what in the hell is going on. He asks a lot of questions and makes a lot of assumptions and figures out from there who's defensive, who's got something to hide. But he really doesn't have any idea of what the hell is going on. Elliot Gould as Phillip Marlowe knows less than any other Marlowe. He plays the role very boyish and confused. Now he's good on his feet, but he has no clue about anything. His voice over narration (a typical film noir/Marlowe trait) is Gould just simply mumbling to himself. He's running on foot and chasing down cars, he never plays it cool like the usual earlier Marlowes. The film itself is rather cool, cause it's the same Marlowe of yesteryear's, but stuck in 1970's Los Angeles. Everyone wears beach clothes and is into yoga. Marlowe chain smokes (he in fact is the only smoker in the film, and he lights a cigarette in every scene) And Marlowe still wears a suit and is practically handcuffed to his necktie. Elliot Gould plays Marlowe great as Elliot Gould, which is the best way to play this role. We want to see "The Big Sleep" not for Bogart as Phillip Marlowe, but to see Phillip Marlowe as Humphrey Bogart. That's fucking star power, baby. And that's what we get with The Long Goodbye. And that's what makes it work. Because the plot is full of holes and confusing as fuck. Like pretty much every Marlowe film. But watching Gould doing his version, stumbling around, confused as hell is what makes this so enjoyable to watch. As for the end of the film, What Gould and Altman do is really the most uncharacteristic action that Marlowe would ever do. But it's such a good ending, that I think it's great cause this is the most uncharacteristic of all the previous Phillip Marlowes. He even owns a cat in this film, but the cat is kind of crucial to the story, to let us know how loyal this Marlowe is. So great job, Elliot Gould. You are so far in first place as Philip Marlowe.

would you please smell me?

2009-03-16T16:37:00.000-07:00

WARNING! Some might find this blog to absolutely disgusting.

So sometime last week, I started to run out of deodorant. And being a very thrifty man, I try to get all out of my hygiene products that I possibly can. With deodorant, I use it until I make the realization that I am no longer applying deodorant to my skin, but merely just rubbing an empty plastic container under my armpit. I do this again the next morning and then buy some more. But this time, I forgot to buy more. So I wake up late one day and have to rush and shower quick to not be late for work, which I was. And I go to work. About a couple of hours into it, I make a realization! I do not smell good. I smell really gross. I ask my co-workers about how bad I smell. They reply that I don't smell. Which is total bullshit, cause I can smell it and I have the worse sense of smell in the world. And it's also bullshit, cause I don't really trust my co-workers, cause I'm just you know, kind of that way. Non-trusting way.

I finish up work and try to remember to go to the store to buy some deodorant. And now, you may think to yourself: "Steve, you work at a grocery store, why don't you just buy it there?" I'll tell you why. I work a healthy grocery store. We sell hippie deodorant that does not fucking work. It's natural deodorant. There's none of those toxic chemicals that make you smell good. Someone even told me we sell this crystal object that you rub on yourself that works like deodorant. What the fuck? I need my deodorant to work. I need whatever toxic chemicals that are in deodorant to make me not smell disgusting. Cause, healthy stuff like that, I just couldn't care less. I am always smoking like 6 packs of cigarettes a day. I am always either drinking black coffee or Miller High Life throughout an entire day. I've have not had a glass of water in two years. I. am. not. healthy. I don't care. But I do like to smell good.

So I don't go buy deodorant. I leave work and someone probably called me and is like, 'Hey I'm at this bar, come meet me!" and I'm like: "that's the greatest idea in the history of the world, I'm on my way." Then we met at the bar and got really drunk. And talked about stupid shit. And we're really wasted. Then the bartender gave us Jameson shots. And now we're even more wasted. And then we try to talk about even more stupid shit. But now we're slurring our speech. I piss myself. My friend pukes all over himself. The bartender asks us to leave. I try to punch the bartender in the face. I fall down instead. My friend helps me up. We leave. I go home. I order a pizza. I pass out asleep before it shows up. Stinking of BO. Still wearing my piss covered pants.

Or it was something of that nature. But you get the general idea: I forgot to buy deodorant.

And somehow I forgot the next day too and I just kept forgetting. Maybe it's that I'm getting older and more forgetful? Maybe I'm going through a phase of indifference? Maybe deep down, I am a filthy hippie? I haven't figured any of that out yet. But here's the thing, it seems that the stinky BO no longer stinks. Is that possible? It sounds crazy, I know. But is it? Could the body adapt, could it be like "If this asshole isn't going to make us smell us good without those toxic chemicals, we have to do something about this." Or is that I still stink, but I'm just used to it? I don't know. So I need someone, one of you that I can trust, that will tell me the truth, that won't pussyfoot around the situation, that can be honest to come over to my house or a neutral turf and smell me.

blues from a gun

2009-03-16T15:01:00.000-07:00

On my break from lunch yesterday, I had two missions. The first one was to go to Walgreen's and pick up the new GQ magazine. The second was to get some breakfast at Bob's Diner.

Mission #1. Ok, I go on break. Smoke a cigarette and walk to Walgreen's. I pick up the issue. The cover is Justin Timberlake and it reads: "The 10 Most Stylish Men in America." I go over to the counter to pay for it and I hand it over to the lady. This lady is probably in her mid-50's, Asian and wearing a Walgreen's vest. She looks at the magazine and mumbles the cover story's title. And then she looks at me and says: "I hope it helps." I shit you not. And I'm thinking to myself, in Robert De Niro's voice, "Excuse me? What the fuck did you just say? Say it again. Fuck you, If you weren't a woman I'd punch you right in the mouth." This is why I should always leave my newly bought (and super awesome) switchblade at home. But since I am a polite man I say nothing in response and just do my best Butser Keaton stone-face. I pay and walk out.

Mission #2. Let's give some background about my relationship to Bob's Diner. The only reason that I go there is because The Polk Street Station closed. It was the best. Bangin' biscuits and gravy. Non rubbery scrambled eggs. Good portions. Good prices. Not only was it my favorite diner but it was actually my favorite thing in the entire world. But it's closed. The signs still up but the windows are boarded up. I try not to look at the sign. I try to just walk past it and not remember all the great times. I am Bob's man now. For better or for worse.

So, I go to Bob's. I order the #1 Special, 2 pancakes, 2 eggs, 2 sausages, 2 bacon. And coffee. I order my eggs poached. I get my coffee and thumb through GQ. My food comes and I start to eat. And it's just so not at all...good. Every thing about it kind of sucks. Especially the eggs, which were so runny that I almost asked for a spoon. The bacon was probably cooked yesterday. The pancakes were actual pieces of cardboard that just had butter on them. The sausage was ok, but probably sucked, but because everything sucked a lot more I was under the impression, that these little sausages weren't so bad. And I just really just miss The Polk Street Station. I miss that waiter with the white hair. I miss the hash browns. I miss going there by myself and reading the sports page. I miss going there with Matthew and Katie, while they would have a very intelligent conversation about something like the rhetorical influence on modern art, I would stupidly just stare at the big and awful "People On The Train" mural. I miss my diner. I miss it a lot. Bob's sucks. I don't know what to do anymore. How am I supposed to get over awesome Polk Street Station when I have to have my rebound with shitty Bob's Diner. What in god's name am I supposed to do? I pay and walk out.

I go back to work and finish my shift. My boss Erin counts the money in my register to see how much I fucked up, I fucked up very little. I tell Erin my story about the lady at Walgreen's and her little comment. Erin laughed at me and asked me if I really read GQ. When people ask me this question, I always reply the same: "Hell yeah, I read GQ! I've been reading GQ since I was 8." Which is a false statement, I've been reading it since I was 27. I wish that I had been reading since I was 8. But then me and Erin start talking about fashion. And it goes to the point of the skinny pants on guys. I'm not into it, personally. I think that the skinny pants of today are far too skinny and are going to look really stupid in about a year. Erin agrees slightly, but replies that skinny jeans on dudes is pretty smokin' hot. And it's kind of weird. I very rarely think about the way I dress if it's actually attractive to the female eye. I mean here's the thing: yes, of course I want the ladies to think I'm a hottie. But what I go for when clothing shopping is "how does this work for me. Does it fit right? Are the colors good? Are the patterns good? Am I going to feel comfortable and confident wearing this?" Cause when you dress good, god dammit, you feel good. It's a proven fact. And cause confidence is sexy. But then I start to think if I got some of those skinny pants, could I wear them confidently? Would I be comfortable? And could it help me get laid? Cause really, it's kind of been a while.

Clothes are on my mind as I leave work and walk to this used clothing store, that I 'm not going to name, because it's my secret spot. I totally fucking score 2 Brooks Brothers sweaters that are insanely awesome. One baby blue, one navy blue. And this black Armani oxford shirt. And it was like a total of like $25. Fuckin' A, dude! But I now realize that I have to stop buying things that are the color blue. I got too much. Way too much. And that I need to buy some brown pants to go with all this blue, cause I really only own blue jeans. Which are also blue. And now that I think about it, even my sneakers are blue. Fuck, that's a lot of blue. No wonder everyone is always so bummed out to see me. So brown pants are my next fashion mission. Will I buy the skinny ones? You'll have to wait and see.

:::UPDATE:::

blue, motherfucking blue.

2009-03-14T01:07:00.000-07:00

This is something that I'm really going to make a weekly segment of this blog: a weekly mixtape. Let's begin:

The Limits Of Control

2009-03-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

Just thought that some would be interested in the new Jim Jarmusch movie coming out. Here's a picture of the very delighting movie poster:

And here is the trailer, So far both the poster and trailer are very good and have peaked my interest in the movie. Judge for yourself:

James Garner and my weekend

2009-03-09T09:23:00.000-07:00

Let's continue our tour through all things Philip Marlowe. Our next stop is James Garner in the film aptly titled, "Marlowe" which came out in 1969 and was directed by Paul Bogart. Bogart was a television director and Garner was Maverick. Bruce Lee has a bit role in this as Winslow Wong. "Marlowe" is based on Chandler's "The Little Sister" The beginning of the film has Marlowe taking pictures of a couple at the pool with really great hippie psychedelic music blasting. Then Marlowe walks to a hippies house with a bunch of deadbeats sleeping on the front lawn. At this point, I'm really excited at the thought of Marlowe versus the Hippies! Perfect! Then Marlowe starts talking to one of them and that is when I realized that the movie that I am watching is dubbed in Spanish. I don't know if you know this about me, but I don't in any way speak or understand Spanish. So, for the film I think that I missed a lot of what was going on, but it did seem that James Garner was doing an adequate job with the role. I'm going to look for a copy of this in English and hopefully we can return to it later. But so far I will say that Garner is already above Mitchum and definitely above Robert Montgomery, who if you recall from the last post, I believe is an idiot-fuck. So hopefully we can come back to this one, but if not we'll just have to rank it the way it is. Up next "The Falcon Takes Over".

How was your weekend? Mine was pretty good. I worked throughout. Did some homework. Went to Brandon's house, drank beers with B. and John and Matthew and J.P. Listened to The Vivian Girls on the wrong speed. Ate gross pizza. Sent out text messages. Immediately full of regret and anxiety. Then I calmed the fuck down. Watched a little bit of The World Baseball Classic. Wasn't sure who to root for. John said U.S.A. Made a silent decision to not root for anyone. Watched Rope. Rooted for Jimmy Stewart. Rode in a car, twice. Found myself in Chinatown. Was constantly concerned about the complete absence of any structure in my life. Thought about moving to Los Angeles to go to school. Thought about talking to this one girl. Never got around to it. Felt indifferent. Ate lots of cookies. Thought about doing laundry. Read some from "This Ain't The Summer of Love" which is a scholarly report on punk and metal, which was a Christmas present from Logan. Called Logan. Logan was busy. J.P. brought me a plate of BBQ. I tried to share with Cat. She was grossed out. She told me about fetuses in eggs. I was grossed out. Neisean fell asleep on at a couch at bar in Chinatown. People now use the term boogie, in a good way. Didn't feel good about that in any way. Especially lumped together with the word "sweater" then it's especially dumb. Bought a switchblade over the internet. Began doing a storyboard for a little movie. Did research on dice games. Drank a bunch of coffee.

2009-03-06T01:24:00.000-08:00

Lady In The Lake (1947, directed by Robert Montgomery)

So the continuation of my rankings of the greatest Philip Marlowe screen performance, led me to Lady In The Lake. And oh snap! Talk about screwing the pooch. Robert Montgomery, you are just absolutely fucking terrible. As a director and as an actor. And especially as Philip Marlowe. Really, what Montgomery's or studio head asshole's brain-child was to have you the viewer play Philip Marlowe, so the whole piece of shit was filmed in third person with an occasional mirror shot to remind us that we are Robert Montgomery as Philip Marlowe. So we get to reach for every door knob and smoke cigarettes and speak in annoying ass Robert Montgomery voice. And we are super annoying as Philip Marlowe through this idiot-fuck. I'd much rather be Swayze going through Whoopie. I didn't even make it through half an hour of watching this. But I have to say hat's off to you, Mr. Montgomery, you are by far and away the very worst Philip Marlowe of all time. You even beat out Robert Mitchum, which is an insane feat!

2009-03-04T23:14:00.002-08:00

Will someone please explain what emotions (if any) I should be feeling? From Variety:

Dakota Fanning is negotiating to play lead singer Cheri Currie in "The Runaways," the biopic of the '70s all-girl band that already has "Twilight" star Kristen Stewart playing Joan Jett.

Scripted and directed by Floria Sigismondi, the film begins production in late spring.

At 15, Fanning is the same age Currie was when she made her debut with the Runaways as the lead singer who belted out hard-edged tunes like "Cherry Bomb." Currie became caught up in drugs and a hard-partying lifestyle.

John and Art Linson are producing with River Road Entertainment's Bill Pohlad, with Jett serving as exec producer.

OK, so this is going to happen. This is lit green. Nothing anyone can do about it. But if it's going to happen, I gotta play Kim Fowley. I just gotta! I need an agent, stat! Look at this, I was born to play that dude.

2009-03-04T12:49:00.001-08:00

Embarrassing! You know, I thought that my record player was broken for the last couple of days. I'd try to put the needle on the record, but the record wouldn't move. I took the thing apart to examine the belt and the belt was fine. I reset it anyway. It still didn't work. I spent several hours just staring at the thing rubbing my chin, wondering what the diagnosis could be. In the 11th hour full of panic, ready to go see what they got for record players at Circuit City's closing sale, I made the grand realization! It had become unplugged! I plugged it back in and shockingly, it began to work just perfectly like it used to. My friends, you are witnessing absolute genius. Currently listening to Queen: "The Game" and drinking black coffee.

Besides that Thin Lizzy record, a couple other new records that came out yesterday: U2's No Line On The Horizon and Neko Case's Middle Cyclone. Buddy and Julie Miller had a new record as well, but I haven't had a chance to listen to that yet. I'm not really a fan of either U2 or Neko Case. But I really enjoyed listening to the new U2. I always am impressed with The Edge's guitar work and Bono's singing. Even though we can all admit that Bono is a super annoying human being, with all that AIDS in Africa work and he's always inducting someone for some stupid award, but I'll always be the first to admit that he's a good singer. Like I said the record is pretty cool, but the little record executive inside me says, "I don't really hear a single." Now the Neko Case record, great singer as well, not nearly annoying in celebrity news as Bono. The thing that bugs me is that it's weird country music. The instrumentation isn't standard country, but the thing that makes it kind of weird is that there isn't really any hooks on the record. See, I'm a hook guy. I want a hook, I need a hook. There ain't nothing here for me to grab on to. I'm sure that if I listened to the record 35 times nonstop this week, I would love it. I really don't have time to do that. I won't do that. I just got a new Thin Lizzy live record. I got listen to that shit. And I'm also not really into the lyrics: She'll eat you, she's a whale, she's a tornado. Not even really like fun hip hop metaphors. Sorta cringe worthy. Now the album cover, I'm divided. It's either the greatest album cover (aside from those Roxy Music covers) or the worst. You decide:

Well, as for right now, I am going to say that it's the greatest album cover ever. OK best of the year. Wait did this get released this year?:

Cause if it was, than you know, that Lil Wayne wins.

Also, I just watched Murder, My Sweet the other night in my film noir class. And in the next few days, I think I'm going to rank all The Philip Marlowes on screen. In case you are not familiar, Raymond Chandler wrote a series of stories involving Private Detective Philip Marlowe. Then movies followed. He's been portrayed on screen several times but a lot of different actors: Humphrey Bogart, Robert Mitchum, Elliot Gould, Dick Powell, Robert Montgomery, and more. I think that I just need to see The Lady In The Lake and The Falcon Takes Over (which Marlowe is not called Marlowe, but The Falcon, retarded). If you'd got a couple of cents to throw in on the matter, don't hesitate. And I'm still deciding if it's going to matter which is the closest to Chandler's version of Marlowe. I heard that Timothy Dalton was the closest to Ian Flemming's version of James Bond (Don't ask, I don't remember where or when I heard that) but that doesn't make him the best James Bond, even though I do like Timothy Dalton's Bond very much. And one other thing, I thought that The Maltese Falcon was a Philip Marlowe story for the longest time, even though it's extremely clear that the main character is named Sam Spade and it's also extremely clear that Dashill Hamet, not Raymond Chandler, wrote the Maltese Falcon. Like, I said: you are witnessing absolute genius.

some stuff

2009-03-02T13:22:00.000-08:00

Just got the word: that Leonard Cohen show has sold the fuck out

Woody Allen's new movie "Whatever Works" starring Larry David, is set to open the Tribeca Film Festival

I just got a copy of the new Thin Lizzy live set, "Still Dangerous: Live at Tower Theatre Philadelphia 1977" which gets released tomorrow. Wow! It's pretty fucking dangerous. The guitars sound like some sort of new gadget that would combine chainsaws with laserbeams. Cowboy Song kills it and actually almost every song kills it. Is it as good as "Live and Dangerous"? Probably not. But is anything as good as "Live and Dangerous"?

Here's a lost John Cassavetes interview from 1985. I've never heard of Big Trouble. Have you?

Black Dynamite

Great review of a new biography on Flannery O'Connor which I haven't read.

2009-02-26T14:11:00.000-08:00

So, the last few weeks it's been raining. Usually I am big fan of rainy days. I get to stay inside and read or watch movies. Personal time. But this last batch of rainy weather has been a total fucking pain in the ass. I finally passed enough certain exam/guidline type things so that I can now check out 8mm film cameras from City College. So, I'd go check one out and then watch it rain for a few days, not be able to shoot anything whatsoever, and then have to return it. Try it again with the same results. After all this running back and forth to City College in the rain, I found myself sick as a dog. Which I won't go into details about. Let's just say it was super-fucking awful. Since I have to turn in some of my test shots this week, I finally realized that I had to shoot it on video, because you have to send the film off to get processed and that takes about a week. And I don't have a week. So I shot it in video. And video it just really gross to look at and I'm totally hating on Mother Nature right now, but whatever.

What's going on this weekend?

And Did Y'all Hear?

Leonard Cohen is playing at the Paramount Theatre in Oakland in April!

Fleetwood Mac Tribute Night this Sunday at The Makeout Room!

Cheap Trick & Def Leppard & Poison on tour together this summer.

Spring Training games are underway.

DMX can even get arrested while in jail. Is everyone with me when I say "poor DMX"

2009-02-12T13:11:00.001-08:00

I would like to congratulate Charles and Cherlyn on the announcement of their pregnancy. Well it's really just Cherlyn's pregnancy, Charles is not pregnant. But they'll both be parents. And they'll be great parents. You can follow along here. Here are just a few name suggestions that I have thought long and hard about, they should all work for either sex:

Steve
Ice
Rutger
Spuds
Slim
Banana Slim
Oprah
Coolio
Arbuckle
Orth

And, I'd also like to point out that although my babysitting rates have gone up due to a very high demand, I will still offer you both my friends and family discount, which is a solid 5% off, plus expenses.

Last night I watched Dr. Strangelove for the first time since I was a late teenager. It's really great. I mean really. Here's my favorite quote "make me a drink, grain alcohol and rain water." Then I put on All The President's Men while I went to sleep. I tend to find the sound of Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford very comforting. But the typewriters in the movie kept jarring me awake. The movie finally ended after one last very loud typewriting sound. It was about 5 am and I finally got some decent sleep.

2009-02-11T13:33:00.001-08:00

California Split (Robert Altman, 1974)

"El busto! Tapioca time"

2009-02-09T14:11:00.000-08:00

2009-02-09T11:33:00.000-08:00

I have absolutely nothing to say or even really comment on. I'm blogging with my eyes closed, which means that we now have a new segment at this blog:

Reckless Blogging!

It's not going to be pretty. It'll probably be slightly embarrassing. I don't anyone who reads this is going to feel like they have not wasted a little bit of their life. So let's begin!

I have been having this weird desire to grow my hair long. I've kind of tried this before. It didn't work then, it probably won't work now. I think I'm going to do it anyway, cause, well, I don't give a fuck. That's just how I roll.

I'm currently in the washing cycle of my laundry.

Did you guys watch the Grammy's? I didn't cause I was hanging out with Logan Ryan Smith and when I mentioned that we could always watch the Grammy's, it put the most disgusted look on his face. Logan apparently hates award shows. Who knew?

My apologies to John Sakkis. John, my plan was to stop at this one unnamed spot for a quick drink and a little chit chat, and then go grab the bus and head to lower haight. And then the next thing I know it's like 4:30 in the morning and I'm pumping Cyndi Lauper. I don't know what happened out there. Hopefully, I'll see you soon.

I had to drop my French class. First, I just didn't feel like I had the time. I've been crazy busy lately. Second, all the cute girls in the class dropped the class. The dream, my friends, died a sad, whimpering death. I still want to learn French, so that I can go to France, meet a French girl, marry her and open my own hot dog stand, or Orange Julius franchise. That is still my plan.

When the fuck am I going to be able to eat peanut butter again?

2009-02-08T21:44:00.000-08:00

It was pretty awesome then. It's pretty awesome now:

2009-02-05T00:39:00.000-08:00

R.I.P. Lux Intrerior

2009-01-29T16:07:00.000-08:00

I don't know why. But I find this really really funny. Maybe so will you.

2009-01-29T15:41:00.000-08:00

oh, and also. I've been thinking a lot in the last hour and a half about opening my own hot dog stand. I think it's the best idea I've had today. I'd be my own boss. If the cops started harassing me about permits or something I just wouldn't go back to that spot. I could open up in front of baseball games and Fleetwood Mac concerts. Shut down during said event, buy a scalped ticket with my hot dog money, watch Benji Molina bat cleanup or watch a Stevie Nicks twirl around. Leave a bit early and reopen the hot dog stand. And then when I retire I can have my son take over. Oh and I got that son cause I'll meet some fine ass hottie while working at the hot dog stand. And she'll marry me and we'll fornicate.

The only problem I can think of is how am i going to get the hot dog stand up the stairs to my apartment when I'm not working.

2009-01-29T14:15:00.000-08:00

So I got a hypothetical question for you: If you were at the mall and you saw an abandoned Orange Juilus, would you open up? For Business. Or would you just walk away. Now I think that I would open for at least an afternoon and see how things went. What would y'all do?

2009-01-26T14:26:00.000-08:00

GREINKE SIGNS!

it all goes by so slowly

2009-01-20T14:22:00.000-08:00

That was quite a weekend. There were things I did, that I didn't do, that I should've done, that I slept through.

Went to see Two Gallants at a taqueria on 24th St. Met up with Zeecee, Bobby, Amelia. We drank from a bottle of Jamison and had tall cans. Talked about City College.We got harassed by the cops and then we had no more of that Jamison and no more of those tall cans. Somehow we went to Pop's, which is a bar that I probably hadn't been to in about 3 years. I played the jukebox while people were smoking: X "The World's A Mess It's In My Kiss" AC/DC "Get It Hot" and something else that I can't remember. We sat at a Ms. Pcaman video game and drank tequila and discussed people, sex, sex with people, sex that people had with other people, and Stardust Memories. It was fun we walked around the mission a bit. Amelia went her way, Zeecee and Bobby went there's, I went mine which led me inside of Taqueria Cancun, getting a super burrito, then a tall can and a pack of American Spirits, then a cab back to the tenderloin. It was a super fun night. And yes, I totally missed Two Gallants.

The next morning, I realized that that tequila, the super burrito, the tall can, the American Spirits, and the taxi cab had put me way over my budget going into this week. I would have to be on a short leash. I went to work. Talked to Brandon on my break and he invited me out for beers I said that I was at work and that I couldn't. He suggested that I should consider killing myself. I did consider it, but only very briefly. I went back to work. I skipped the big after work birthday party for one of my co-workers and went home. I studied French and did some reading. Watched a couple of silent movies: Harold Lloyd's Safety Last and Buster Keaton's The General. I highly recommend both of these films. I haven't seen any silent movies at all in my life, aside from crazy Russian propaganda films, The Passion of Joan of Arc, and a bunch of Charlie Chaplin movies. So I was looking to see more of them. Buster Keaton was one that I already knew about for some reason. I remember a few years ago when I was living with Matthew Arnone I had made a dvd that had two Buster Keaton movies, The Conversation, Repulsion and something else that I don't recall, probably Pee Wee's Big Adventure or Meatballs. Anyway, I lent it to him so that he could watch the Conversation. (The Conversation is probably one of my all time favorite movies) I don't know if he ever watched it, but he moved out shortly after and I didn't even remember that dvd or if he had ever watched The Conversation. So where was I? Oh and Safety Last and pretty much all Harold Lloyd was suggested viewing through my co-worker Jake. One thing that I love about where I work is that there are so many people there that are crazy super into all kinds of movies and have wonderful suggestions. And we can pretty much the whole day talking about movies. It's great.

Sunday was very similar to Saturday. My phone was dead, so I left it at home. I went to work. Came home on my lunch break to make some food. Ate and grabbed my phone. Upon walking back to work I checked my messages and there was one from the manager at Thieves Tavern asking if I could work that night. FUCKYEAH! Let's Make Some Fuckin' Money! Then I listened to the next message also from the manager saying that they had found someone else to work. GODFUCKINGDAMMIT! Went back to work and worked and went home and studied French and read for a bit, then I ironed my shirt and went over to Koko's for Emily's birthday. Charles, Paul, and myself settled up our "For A Buck" Baseball bet. And thanks to saying that the Phillies would win the National League pennant, I won the bet, for the 3rd year in a row. So each gave me a dollar, which was good because I am on that shoestring budget and Koko's charges $3 for a can of PBR. three fuckin' dollars for a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. I talked to Emily, Dave, and Katie Webb about stuff like awkward hugs and the scent of my mosituzer. I went home, studied some French and watched Ordet, a Danish film about a family farm and their religion and other stuff. It's good. They have this son who thinks he's Jesus Christ and everyone thinks he's batshit crazy. But it turns out that he is sort of Jesus Christ and resurrects his brother's dead wife. When she comes to she starts kissing her husband with these big open mouth kisses on her cheek and I thought that she was going to start eating his brains. Didn't happen. Oh well.

Yesterday was shockingly similar to the two other days. After work, I studied and read and then listened to a little bit of the new Springsteen album and it was...alright, I guess. There's a song called "Queen of the Supoermarket" and I feel like...well fuck you Bruce. You don't know shit about the queen of the supermarket. It reminded of those 50 year old men who come in to the store and try to talk up the 22 year old girls there. It's just weird. I mean I'm almost 30 and I work with them and I don't do that...well, I don't that anymore. Then I watched a French film "Children of Paradise" which is long and badass. It's about a mime, an actor, a thief, and a slut. It's good. Then I watched Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

Today I was supposed to go over to John Sakkis' house to watch the inaguration, but I slept til 1:30 and missed it. I just had some tea and toast and now I'm going to study French and read a bit.

I'm totally Sillmaning

2009-01-13T21:14:00.001-08:00

So, I'm back at school. It's great. There's a really cute girl in my French class. I got the syllabus for my film noir class. We'll be mostly watching the hits. I wish you could be there with me. Here's a list of the movies we'll be watching on a big screen in uncomfortable chairs:

The Maltese Falcon
Scarlet Street
M
Le Jour Se Leve (Day Break)
Double Indemnity
Murder My Sweet
Out Of The Past
Detour
Mildred Pierce
Force Of Evil
Pick Up On South Street
Kiss Me Deadly
Touch Of Evil
Chinatown

I've seen most of these. But I'm excited to see them again. I, personally, can't even begin to think critically about anything until I've digested it and then re-ate it about 3-4 times. And to watch all of these on a decent size screen for only $60 is totally worth it. Here's some links about other news that you should check out:

San Francisco poets are fucking nuts

Lenoard Cohen to play New York. More Possible?

Inauguration Lineup Announced....Where's Oprah? James fuckin Taylor? Really?

Stallone! Rourke! Dolph! Kingsly? FUCK YES!

Noir City

"Hello, you've reached Rickey Henderson. Rickey ain't here to take your call. But if you leave Rickey a message, Rickey will call you back at Rickey's earliest convenience."

Even More Black Moses

I think that I met my soulmate's blog

And then Logan wrote some poems. And it was good.

Larry David & Woody Allen. My brain is melting with anticipation.

2009-01-06T13:49:00.000-08:00

I watched "The Harder They Fall" on Saturday. If you're not familiar, it stars reggae superstar sensation Jimmy Cliff as an up and coming reggae superstar sensation. But when the record producer man only offers Jimmy Cliff $20 as a payment, Cliff tells him to go fuck off. Then Jimmy Cliff, in order to take care of his family, starts selling drugs, which leads to him killing a bunch of cops and other various people. Now that Cliff is famous for being a criminal, the record company releases his record which goes on to be a big hit. And then Jimmy Cliff frolics on the beach and kills more cops. And then other stuff happens which would ruin the movie if I were to tell you about, if you plan on renting it. If you're not going to rent it then e-mail me and I'll tell you what happens. I liked the movie alright. I really liked the scenes of Cliff in the recording studio and I wish that there had been more of that cause it's really awesome and everything. The film also enabled to me to tolerate the next day at work, which was a Sunday, which they play reggae music...all fucking day long. Sometimes I forget that I work at a health food store, which is full of hippies. And hippies love reggae music. I fucking hate hippies and I fucking hate reggae music. Really the only bit of reggae music that I can tolerate and actually enjoy is "The Harder They Come" soundtrack. Which is fantastic. It also reminded me of that great version of "Pressure Drop" that Izzy Stradlin did on his first record, "Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds" I bought this CD in 1992 and still actualy own it. I put it on and it was all skippy, which pissed me off. I then did a little bit of research and realized that it's sadly out of print. That's a bummer, cause that record is real cool. And you know, with this modern age internet downloading world that we are in, there is no fucking reason that any record or film or book should be "out of print". Totally stupid. You don't have to print physical copies, but make it available for people to download. Wouldn't cost them a cent. Like I said, totally stupid.

That's all I got.

2008-12-31T16:20:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

Exhaustion has finally set in. And it's a funny thing, to be exhausted while at the same time being very under stimulated...it's really depressing. I'm currently in a break between my third and fourth work shift in two days and I getting ready to take a nap. I'm not necessarily complaining. There are a ton of people that would love to have this problem. The only complaint that I will make is that even the nicest of people can only handle so much customer service. (I can't believe I haven't choked anyone yet)

I feel like I need a week in the woods away from anyone. Chopping wood, growing my beard, and killing varmints (actually, I am much too delicate for that sort of behavior). But it's all good, and I'll be dynamite in a couple of days, cause I'll get to hit school again on non-borrowed money and get completely exhausted and over stimulated. Which is the best thing in the world.

New Year's Resolutions: Learn French. Finish Berlin Alexanderplatz

2008-12-29T15:17:00.000-08:00

.
.
Happy holidays!

Christmas. The first part was weird. I felt like the only person in the city. It was like I am Legend, and instead of those zombies, I was surrounded by homeless people. And I didn't even have a dog. I think that's what happens in I am Legend. I didn't see it though. I felt really lonely. I called my parents and they were on their way to Mexico. I tried to do laundry. The laundromat was closed. I found a restaurant that was opened. Ordered take out. Went home, ate, listened to James Brown's Funky Christmas, which kicks all kinds of ass.

Then I went to work at the bar, which is my second job. It was weird and full of weird people. And I even felt weird. I wished that I still felt lonely.

Katie with a K and I saw X the next night. And it was so fucking good. Maybe show of the year tied with Springsteen in San Jose. That was a good show too. Katie took this picture with a fancy telephone. Telephones are so impressive these days.

Just enrolled for the spring semester. This time I was much smarter than I was last semester. No morning classes. All evening, baby. I'll be taking a class studying Film Noir. So you can assume that you'll be reading a lot about that in the upcoming months.

I hope that everyone has a nice and safe New Year's. 2008 is just about history. It's been one of the most fulfilling, disappointing, and exciting years of my life. I got a good feeling about 2009. I'll be turning 30, there's a new Springsteen record coming out, and I have tentative plans to go to Kansas City to watch the parade after The Royals win the World Series. Should be real good.

2008-12-12T02:37:00.000-08:00

This is not good. This is, in fact, awful. This is what the future will look and sound like after everything has gone terribly and awfully wrong. It's actually way worse than you or anyone else from the kind of present future could imagine. It really sucks, it's Nickleback covering Bruce Springsteen, ala Rage Against The Machine. Fuck the heck?:

Good fucking god! That was awful. If you managed to survive through, then you are actually blessed by baby Jesus. And here's your reward, you lucky son-of-a-gun:

I feel a little bit better now. Now let's forget that this ever happened:

I feel much better now.

weekend

2008-12-09T09:56:00.000-08:00

A lot of my friends have blogs. And I read them. One thing that some of them blogs have are giving their readers brief details about what happened during their weekend. In order to stay cutting edge, I am going to give my readers very brief descriptions of some of the things and stuff and people that came along during my weekend. So, fuck it, let's do this.

Getting tested for hepatitis.
Drinks at The Geary Club with Brandon and Matthew
Watched Semi-Pro
Wishing that I had been stoned while watching Semi-Pro
Pastrami on rye
Receiving blow job from some crackhead
Paying crackhead $2
Watching crackhead buy crack
Hula hoops
Drunk Dialing
Engelbert Humperdink
Tuna salad
Bagging groceries
Suggestive dancing
Meeting with Human Resources Department
Sexual Harassment paperwork
Beers at Whiskey Thieves
Lockjaw
Greatest American Rock Band: Kiss or Pearl Jam?
Huh? Kiss or Pearl Jam, fuck that. It's Aerosmith
Picking at scabs
Bleeding
Small talk with neighbor about stuff we find fun
Hank Williams
Auto Tune
Spike Lee Interviews Martin Scorsese
Pinball
Black coffee
Poached eggs and some toast
Avoiding eye contact
Joe Posknanski
Some asshole from Portland that secretly doesn't live in Portland
Love advice
Hot Water Music (the book)
ZZ Top research
Drinks with Logan
Drinks with Logan and Matthew
Drinks with Logan and Brandon
Barf contest
Logan's eating habits
Library
Couscous with a shit ton of spinach
Violent & uncontrollable sobbing while fucking
Alicia Keys
James Bond discussion
Talking shit on Octopussy
A nap
Beginning a cleansing detox
Ending cleansing detox 15 minutes later
Buying new shower curtain and toothpaste
Jay Z
Native American Burial Ground
The Jerky Boys
Being diagnosed with several different types of Hepatitis
Parker's birthday

The Best Buffet Ever or A Very Good And Kind of Longish Novel About Some Dumbfucks

2008-12-01T19:40:00.000-08:00

This is the beginning of my latest novel. The plan right now is to have this novel be the very best among all of my previous novels. Like way fucking better. No contest. So anyway it starts tragically with the narrator already dead and he tells you the story oh how he came to be deceased. But you never know that he's dead until the end of the book and then you'll be like "Oh holy fucking banana tits! that dude's been dead this whole time!" Yes, it will become quite a shocking end of the story. Shit....I shouldn't have you told about any of that. I guess I just gave away the ending of the story in the very first paragraph. Some novelist I have turned into. I'd like to point out that I have started smoking a pipe to make myself feel more of like an actual writer. But that has absolutely nothing to do with the actual novel and I should really just tell the story that I am going to be telling. So let's see, the dead main character that is going to be the narrator is named Jeff. No let's call him Stanley. So how did Stanley die? That's what everyone wants to know, and since I've already let the cat out of the bag as far as Stanley being dead I might as well tell you how he died. He was run over by a car. No big deal you're thinking right. But he was run over by this gal he was sleeping with on the side. Her name is Michelle Pfeiffer. No wait, her name is Victoria Bickkillacutie. Yeah, that's good. So ok, Victoria Bickkillacutie totally runs over Stanley. And he's completely dead.But was it premeditated? Wouldn't you like to know? Well, upon further reading, the answers will slowly reveal themselves. Like the unpeeling of an orange done very, very slowly. Ok, I'll just go ahead and tell you, it wasn't premeditated at all. It just happens that she was drunk and driving. And I'd like to stop the novel, for just a second to remind everyone that drunk driving is a very serious offense and it's something you should never do. Like killing a bunch of orphans. Never ever do either of those two things. There's a bunch of other stuff that you should never ever do. But I'm afraid I don't have time to get into all of those other things that you should never do. I have to get back to the story of my novel after all. OK, one more: you should also never eat canned fruit. You know, I have become totally distracted and I can't even focus on my novel. I'm going to start a new paragraph and see if I can get the ball rolling again.

That feels much better. So yeah, Victoria Bickkillacutie (who I'm just going to call Vick, for now on to save me from typing her whole name out over and over again) So yeah Vick had been attending this party downtown and let's see she was there with her husband and let's see Stanley was somewhere else. He wasn't at the party. Yeah, he was hanging out at some social club drinking root beers and playing checkers with Lloyd the Butcher and they were talking about the Brooklyn Dodgers, because this story takes place a long time ago. No wait let's change that, they were talking about the Saturn Crazylegs, which is a baseball team that plays on Saturn's rings, cause this book takes place in the future. And yeah, I forgot to mention that Lloyd the butcher is part cyborg/part sloth. But he's also completely covered in fur, which is why he is the most unpopular butcher in the whole town. But this has nothing to do with anything, it's just a little subplot, like a lot of other novels have. But I'm just going to skip it cause I don't know how much I want to write about Lloyd the Most Unpopular Butcher. Like I don't wanna really write anything about him and feel like I've already wasted way too much time on him. So let's just move on. OK, I guess I'll just give you a few more snippets of information about Lloyd and I won't bring him up again. Lloyd likes playing checkers a lot and he doesn't believe in dinosaurs. Thinks humans made it all up. Thinks that scientists made the bones and buried them and unburied them and are playing a joke on all of us. Can you believe Lloyd believes that? That's like the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Lloyd is god damn idiot. I am personally glad that I don't have to write about him anymore. I would have dropped him from the novel altogether, but I had already written all of that stuff and I don't feel like erasing it. And I guess that Lloyd does play an extremely pivotal part in the story, but I don't really feel like getting into that. It's kind of stupid anyway.

So Vick was at this party with her friends and her husband and I heard that the Governor of New Jersey was also there. But I never saw him. And I heard that from a very unreliable source, who's always trying to get me to fall for his stupid practical jokes. So fuck him. So Vick was at the party and they were all getting fucked up. Like they were doing shots and then Vick remembers that she has to meet with her insurance salesman to discuss her husbands life insurance. Cause she's actually planning on killing him and running away with Stanley. Cause she's not in love with her husband, she's in love with Stanley. Stanley's a really good guy and her husband is a jerk-off. I'll do a little more character development on Stanley and that jerk-off later on in the novel. So Vick leaves the party and she's wasted. Someone says something to her like "Hey you're too drunk to drive!" and Vick was like "Fuck you. You don't know me. You know don't shit. Why don't you just mind your own god damn business, you stupid cocksucker!" only she was slurring her speech cause she was so fucking wasted. So Vick gets into her flying car and takes off and she's all over the road. And she's driving over the speed limit. I guess I should mention about how the flying cars just kind of hover over the road, like maybe three feet. I have to note that because I have to make it believable that she runs over Stanley and kills him, like I was talking about in the first paragraph. So hovering cars. Ok, so then she takes a left on Awesome Street and she is all over the sidewalk. And it's there that she runs over Stanley who had just happened to be standing outside to get a breath of fresh air after losing yet another game of checkers. So Vick totally runs over Stanley and he's dead. Vick knows she just hit someone or something but she doesn't know that it was Stanley. And she's all like "fuck I totally just hit someone or something and I'm completely wasted out of my mind and I'll totally go to jail if I stop cause I am so wasted right now." She says this to herself cause there's no one else in the car. So she doesn't stop and just drives home. She doesn't even go to the insurance office, cause she's so freaked out about running over something. She goes home and parks the car in the garage and goes inside and passes out on the couch.

Vick's husband comes home later and he's all like "WTF? The flying car is covered in blood!" only he says it all slurry, cause he's also super wasted. He didn't drive drunk though. He took a cab. He had gone into the garage to get a hammer or a screwdriver or something like that and that's when he saw the flying car covered in blood. So Vick wakes up and is all like "what are you talking about?" And her husband is like "Yeah the hover car is covered in blood." And it's at this point that Vick remembers that she totally ran over something and she feels really guilty and scared cause she's worried that she is going to get caught. She tells her husband the whole story about how she ran over something and that something that could have been a person. Her husband decides to wash the car, cause he doesn't want Vick to go to jail, cause he loves her. And I know it sounds sweet and all, but this guy is kind of jerk-off. Trust me. So he goes and washes the car and cleans up the blood. And then he goes back into the house where him and Vick have crazy animalistic drunken grudge sex for like half an hour.

The next morning they got the paper. The headline read "Really Great Guy Stanley Gets Hit By A Car And Is Now Dead!" And Vick reads the article and realizes that it was Stanley that she ran over. That she killed Stanley. She feels really sad, guilty, and stupid for the whole day. And for weeks after. But then, after the passing of time, she kind of gets over it. And she doesn't kill her husband, after all, because he washed all the blood off of the car and that, for some reason, is how she didn't get caught. I really don't know how that helped her to not get caught. There wasn't really any witnesses, but whatever. She feels indebted to her husband, so she doesn't kill him and they stay together. Forever. She also never told him that she was in love with Stanley and that she been planning on killing him. Her husband not Stanley. But he always kind of knew because he saw her reaction when she read that newspaper article. Or he could just sense these sort of things. They decided to move away to another country and forget about the whole debacle. Which they easily did. And they moved to the third moon of Neptune, which was a lot like current day Thailand. Which means you can get away with a lot of shit there. And they partied up. But they couldn't run away from their secret, which was that she totally killed Stanley. Vick felt really guilty for a super long time.

I guess that about wraps up the novel. I don't really know what else that I could add to make it better or to flow smoother. I think it's my best and most original novel since "At Least We Didn't Got Fleas", which is probably the novel I am most know for. That was a good one. It was about this Holocaust survivor who survived the Holocaust and then went on to other amazing things, like invent the flying car and make fake dinosaur bones. Yeah, this one is pretty good, but that other one is probably the one I'll be remembered for. Like when Herman Melville died, everyone was like "Holy Spoiled Salsa! Herman Melville the great author of Moby Dick is dead!" And they'd have to stop and think for a second to think that he also wrote Billy Budd. So, it'll probably be like that. But who knows how this crazy road called life is going to lead to anywhere?

"A Bit Of A Blur"

2008-12-01T00:53:00.000-08:00

So, here's a new poem called "A Bit Of A Blur":

My dearest love,
What the fuck is wrong now?
Me and her went out and we did all these crazy dances.
And when I say crazy, I mean crazy.
And I wasn't surprised when I twisted my ankle and when
she was found passed out in the restroom.
They called the cops
and we called a cab.
I told the cabbie to drive me
to the airport
and her to the bus station. He said which one first?
I told him to stop pestering me and just let us out where we were.
I tipped him my silk shirt. He gave me change.
I, to this day, have no clue where we were.
All I know was that my ankle was hurt
I was shirtless
My date was asleep
And I didn't know where I was.
I thought that this night had a really good chance to be crazy
And when I say crazy, I mean boring.
I threw her in a blue recycling bin and wheeled her around.
5th Street? I needed to get to 8th Street.
How in the fuck am I going to figure out how
to get to 8th Street? I stopped in a taqueria
to ask for directions and to get a taco.
As soon as I walked in, the cooks started yelling
that I couldn't bring in the recycling until the morning
I was like, "this ain't my recycling, it's my date."
Only I said it with a foreign tongue and a Scandinavian accent.
So it was all good.
I sat down, ate a taco, drank a Pepsi, and gave myself a roofie.
So what happened next is a bit of a blur.

strange person bedwetting person from Turkey

2008-11-20T09:56:00.000-08:00

After doing very little research, I realized, that the majority of the people that visit this blog, found it by searching for "bedwetting" on a little website known as google.com. This little bit of information might totally fuck up my whole "0.42 of my readers own a Primus record". Cause every single time I hear a Primus record, I totally, for some reason or another, piss myself. It's weird.

Oh, and these people looking for bedwetting information totally live in Turkey. All of them. Serious. wtf, dudes.

::::EDIT::::

Correction. It's not "0.42 of my readers own a Primus record" it's all my readers own an average of 0.42 Primus records. My bad.

::::END EDIT::::

What else....oh yeah. Coco Crisp? Royals? Huh? I remember when my mom went to a Royals game back in something like 2004, she called me to tell me that the Cleveland Indians had a player named Coco Crisp. And she started laughing hysterically. My mom has been repeating this bit of information (apparently my mom didn't hear that he was traded to Boston after the 2005 season) to me every time that I mention the Royals. She's going to love the fucking shit out of this trade.

And also: Prince hates gay people. Loves little baby Jesus. Hates the way he smells. Is also magical. Seriously. And only communicates with Perez Hilton, for some reason.

And I forget. I asked someone if they wanted to go see AC/DC in Decemeber and that person totally said "fuck yeah!" I don't remember who said this. Was it you, strange bedwetting person from Turkey? Anyway, who wants to go see AC/DC in Oakland?

And just because I love you fuckin' bedwetting knuckleheads from Turkey:

...Wait, sorry, there's more

2008-11-18T12:51:00.000-08:00

Maybe this just a subconscious effort to push that last blog entry down a bit. Am I embarrassed by it's stupidity? Maybe? But maybe not. I'm not even sure. But there were a few other topics that I wanted to discuss that I forgot about. First, more spine tingiling excitement. Yep, I got some goosebumps.

I'm excited really that The Faces have started rehearsing again. Rod & Ronnie, back together. Actually, what I'm really excited about is the idea that maybe Rod Stewart won't subject his fans to any of his "Great American Songbook" bullshit anymore. Or maybe give us a couple of years off. Seriously glad that you'll be be playing rock music, Rod. Because, Rod, you are a fuckin' rocker so you should try to play some rock. And if you really don't wanna rock anymore, than play some fucking disco. Just stop crooning. For the love of God, please. stop. crooning. forever. And make sure you keep your eye on Ronnie...well, you know what? Just for fun...let him go. Cause, you never know what'll happen.

::::EDIT::::

You know, everytime I would listen to the Stones' "Street Fighting Man" I always felt that there was something missing. One of those intangable sort of things. I could never put my finger on it. And then after listening to The Faces version, it hit me like something that would hit me hard. Really and very hard. There it was:

A bass solo!

Why didn't your precious Rolling Stones come up that? OK, bass solos are usually stupid, unless you're someone like Charles Mingus or Cliff Burton. Can we all agree? OK, good. I imagine most of the people that read this blog, own an average of
0.42 Primus records. No one is judging anyone. But the point, I was hoping to get to, is that a Faces bass solo still is like a kabillajillion times better than "The Great American Songbook Vol. 8". That's all.

::::END EDIT::::

What else am I excited about? Christmas Sweaters!

Also, I just found out that Dustin Pedroia just won the American League MVP. I haven't read the articles yet. But I guarantee, that each article will meantion the words "grit", "hustle", "heart" and "determination" about 25 times each. Well, Pedroia, you might be the MVP, and congratulations and all. But you'll never be as gritty or hustley or hearty or as determined as the even shorter David Eckstein was and still is.

That last paragraph was what happens when you spend 22 hours over the weekend in your underwear, eating junkfood, listening to the Best of Rod Stewart over and over again and reading the entire archives of firejoemorgan.com

And god dammit. This blog entry was just as stupid as the last one. God Dammit!

Excitement

2008-11-18T11:25:00.001-08:00

I'm really excited about a lot of things and stuff, like:

In a seriously non ironic way, about the new 50 Cent solo album. Wasn't 50 Cent supposed to retire after losing on the record sale first week war to Kayne? Didn't 50 Cent say this:

“Let’s raise the stakes, if Kayne West sells more records than 50 Cent on September 11, I’ll no longer write music. I’ll write music and work with my other artists, but I won’t put out anymore solo albums.”

No he did not say that.
I think he said this:

"That way I feel like Kanye West is successful because of me. After 50 Cent, [hip-hop fans/or maybe pussified girl boys] was looking for something non-confrontational, and they went after first thing that came along. Kanye West, and his record took off."

And recently, he said this which if he didn't say that first quote, which I don't think he did, then why would he say something like this:

“If I could change anything, I’d change the timing that I released it. But together we created the largest-selling week for hip-hop music.”

And at some point he said this to some fella in Miami:

"I still don't know who Kanye West is"

Huh? I don't think he said that either.

OK, I'm getting all wrapped up about 50 saying this or that or not saying this...it doesn't matter. 50's got a new album, Before I Self Destruct, coming out later this month. It's going to be much darker, like his first record. But my favorite part, from my favorite magazine Rolling Stone:

"...every disc will come with a DVD of a full-length movie written, directed by and starring the MC: He plays a none-too-bright baller with NBA potential, whose teen brother is a college-bound prodigy. “It might sound far-fetched, but 13-year-old college students are out there,” says 50. “There’s more than one Doogie Howser, baby.”

Yes!

Other things I'm looking forward to:

"The Wrestler" staring Mickey Rourke as a wrestler. Bruce Springsteen even wrote a new song for "The Wrestler" called "The Wrestler". Here's a picture of Mickey Rourke playing the wrestler:

YES!

Speaking of Bruce Springsteen, he has a new album coming out in January, which will feature a couple of bonus tracks, one being a song called "The Wrestler". But here's the thing, why is Springsteen releasing the new album with bonus tracks. Shouldn't he wait until the album has been released for about 5 months or so, then announce he's rereleasing an expanded version of the album with bonus tracks (like "The Wrestler") and more pictures? That way he can get idiot geek boys, like myself. to buy the album twice, like I did with his Seeger Sessions album and his DELUXE Seeger Sessions album? That's double the money, Bruce! So, anyway, The album is called "Workin' On A Dream" and it's a great title for the boss, cause it's got the words dream and workin' in the same title. I also heard that the whole record is about wanting to French kiss Barack Obama. And that's funny, cause I wrote a record about me wanting to French kiss Bruce Springsteen.

And Chinese Democracy is looking like it's going to be released. I'm totally going to illegally download that, and listen to it while enjoying a delicious free can of Dr. Pepper.

Wow, this is, by far and away, the stupidest blog entry I have ever done. Sorry.

President Obama and How It Affects Us

2008-11-05T13:06:00.001-08:00

So Obama won. President Obama. Wow. I'm still in a state of shock. I'm excited. I thought that his acceptance speech was pretty fucking great. But now that he's won, we, as Americans, have to focus on the real issue that we will have to face:

Who the fuck is going to play at his inauguration?

I think that Springsteen is a given. He played like 4 Obama rallies in swing states. He does have that Super Bowl engagement, but I don't see why he can't do both. And when The E Street Band busts into "The Promised Land" I might cry a bit. The question is: do they play "Badlands"? I think that it would be cool if they played "No Surrender" and if John Kerry is in the audience, Sprinsteen mouths "fuckin' loser" in his direction. And than smiles at Obama. And John Kerry then storms off.

So who else? I think Jay Z might have a good shot and that would be great. I really hope that Obama can get Public Enemy. Fear Of A Black Planet, By The Time I Get To Arizona? I mean c'mon. I also remember that when asked that "Beatles or Stones?" question, Obama said Stones. But I doubt that The Stones will play. They're all British and shit.

So I'm going to keep thinking about this. Leave a comment if you got an idea of who you think might be playing.

2008-10-21T16:45:00.000-07:00

"there's only one "S" in disappointment. And that stands for Steve."

I am actually quoting myself, but feel free to use it anytime.

So, I haven't been blogging much lately. So what? Leave me alone. Now wait don't leave me alone. I get lonely. I've been doing a lot of non blog writing lately and the blog writing has suffered. Well, to be perfectly honest with you, it'll probably continue to suffer. I'm not going to apologize because, in truth, I don't feel bad about it one bit. It's just one of those things. Phases.

Watched another movie, that Justin Petosa recommended to me. "Teachers". Justin and I are way big Nick Nolte fans. Like, if someone were to ask me that question, "If you could have dinner with one person, living or dead, from anytime, who would it be?" I would probably say Nick Nolte. Probably. Teachers is a great movie. The kids have taken over the school. Ralph Macchio can steal cars, but can't read. Laura Dern is getting impregnated by the gym teacher. Crispin Glover is semi retarded, bites teachers, and also can somehow steal cars. Everything is a fucking mess and now the school is getting sued. Someone needs to stand up and do something. That someone turns out to be womanizing, heavy drinking Nick Nolte. And man, does he ever save the day. But not really. The school probably goes back to being a fucking circus the day after. So, yeah, I guess he saves the day in a very singular way. Well at least one day got saved. But not really because there was too much hoopla that day to get any learning done. And that's the whole point of being in school. So I've been told. I didn't really go to a lot of school. When I was in high school there was this loophole, between whether you're absent or whether you're tardy. 3 tardies and all you got was detention. So I wouldn't show up until lunch time. I'd eat some lunch and then go to my last classes. And then sometimes have to stay late because of my tardies. It was great. I'd stay home. Get some alone time. Smoke some cigarettes. Listen to records. Now actually this is still my life. I did that this morning.

This morning I drank way too much coffee. I made a pot, and decided that it was really weak. So after I drank that pot (while listening to the new TV On The Radio record [it sounds pretty good]) I felt like I needed more. So I made another pot with the intention of only having one cup. That didn't work. I drank the whole damn pot. Now I'm still all juiced up. And I'm sweating.

I just saw a picture of Obama with the Tampa Bay Rays. I was going to post it. But I figured it would make Logan Ryan Smith's head explode. And I don't want Logan's head to explode. Anyway, as you probably know, Logan's very excited about The Rays going to the World Series. I, too, am excited about it. And I'm happy that The Phillies made it. While I like the matchup, I think that The Rays are going to crush them. The Phillies haven't played in a week and the teams that they played (Brewers & Dodgers) just really aren't that good. Not nearly as good as the Rays. Game 1 is on Wednesday. And guess who has to work? Give up? Well, the answer happens to be me.

2008-10-10T01:37:00.000-07:00

So, I've been hearing a lot about how the economy is totally fucked. And everybody is freaking the fuck out and there's a bunch of billions of dollars that don't exist being thrown around. And then people are asking for even more non existent money. It all sounds pretty crazy. As for me and my relationship with the economy, I'm pretty much set for life as long as I don't fuck up. Cause, here's the thing that people really seem to always need: food and booze. Guess who provides both? That's right, me.

So you know that Sam Cooke song that everyone thinks Otis Redding wrote "Shake"? I never understood that line, "Shake it like a bowl of soup". I mean, this seems like the most impractical advice ever. I mean, everyone knows that if you shake your bowl of soup, you're just going to spill you fucking soup. Right? Right. And almost always, soup is served hot. So not only are you going to spill your soup, but you're also going to burn the hell out of yourself. So why does Sam ask us to shake it like a bowl of soup? I just don't understand. And on a very related note, if anyone ever asks me to participate in another stupid Sam versus Otis conversation again, I'll probably punch you in the mouth. I've had it. Seriously.

My very amazing friend, Justin Petosa, always texts me when a celebrity dies. So it makes me a bit nervous to open up any texts he sends. But what I want to say, is that when Justin sent me a text saying that Paul Newman died, he also recommend that I watch "The Verdict", which I did. A couple of nights ago. And I got to say that everyone should watch this movie. It's outstanding. It's wonderful and dangerous. The acting is so super, everyone kills it. It's set up is wonderfully done. In three scenes you see a huge transformation of Paul Newman's character. A huge credit to Paul Newman's acting and to David Mamet's script. It's great. Please check it out. And it also shows you that you can, contrary to popular belief, play pinball and drink at the same time.

And on a related note, I'm very sad that Paul Newman died. He's always been one of my heroes, and he brought a lot good into this world.

Oh, and Bananas is totally Woody Allen's Duck Soup.

2008-09-19T13:08:00.000-07:00

I love the almost annual reminder that I have that Cheap Trick is a great fucking band. They're so good. I listened to them this morning and spilled coffee all over myself I was so excited. And then I remained so excited that I didn't even realize that spilt coffee was burning my flesh. Now if that isn't an indication on how great a band is, then I don't know what is.

The Royals have won 7 in a row and god damn, Ryan Sheely is a monster. A real man monster. Why has Pony boy Ross Gload been playing first base all season?

So as was stated before, regarding the idea that Allen's Stardust Memories is a twist on Fellini's 8 1/2, well I got another one for you: Sweet And Lowdown is a Allen's answer to La Strada. I'm serious. Give it some thought. Now I'm obsessed with doing this with every Woody Allen film. What about Bananas as City of God? Wait a minute....no that one doesn't work. Not at all. Bananas as The Manchurian Candidate? Hmmm.... close, but no. OK, how about this: Vicky Christina Barcelona is Allen's Death Magnetic. Yeah that one does work.

Today is Zeecee's birthday! Fuck Yes! Happy Birthday, BFF!

2008-09-16T12:56:00.000-07:00

So I've started my day. Coffee and cigarettes, and listened to the new Metallica album, Death Magnetic. And on my first listen, I got to say it's pretty cool. It's pretty rocking. Kirk Hammet is playing solos a lot. Only one song clocks in under 6 1/2 minutes. The lyrics are kinda silly metal lyrics and some of Hetfield's post rehab introspection. So far I'd say that I think it's pretty cool. But I could just be excited that Metallica made another metal album. In the same way that I was excited that George Lucas made another Star Wars movie, like I was too happy to be watching it on a big screen to actually initially admit that Episode 1 was absolutely terrible. Remember how fucking terrible that movie was? Yikes. I don't think this new Metallica album, will leave me with such a bad taste. So far it sounds pretty cool. I still think at some point James Hetfield, should make a Bob Seegaresque solo album. I think that would be pretty cool. Maybe get a bit of rock sax in the there.

The Kansas City Royals are currently 17 games back in their division and 23 games back in the wildcard. They've got 12 games left. So I've finally admitted to myself that they won't be making the playoffs. Actually, this is not mostly true, I admitted this to myself in May. What a stinker of a team. And I was actually, checking out my 2008 baseball predictions that I made before the season, and I realized that I have no business predicting baseball standings. I just plain and simple, have no clue what I am talking about.

Last night, continuing on with my Woody Allen kick, I watched Husbands and Wives. Good movie. Done in an almost documentry style. It actually reminded me a lot of the French New Wave style, with jump cuts and the use of interview. Juliette Lewis is pretty good in it. I forgot that before she was even 22, she had been in this, Scorsese's Cape Fear, Kalifornia, Natural Born Killers, etc. That's pretty impressive.

Yikes! Film Theory!

2008-09-11T01:30:00.000-07:00

I know. I know. It's late and it seems that all that I want to do is talk about movies. And the only kind of movies that I want to talk about are those super long, super artsy, boring movies. But you know what: I like those kinds of movies. They're boring, disappointing and not a lot happens. And they seem to take forever. And I think that's why I like them so much. Because life really is boring, disappointing and it seems that it takes forever. And then...and then nothing ever happens. And these long and boring films seem to put an exclamation point on my feelings.

So I just watched Woody Allen's "Stardust Memories". It's really good. Gordon Willis is the greatest cinematographer to ever exist. But, if you'll allow me to indulge in a bit of film theory, I would have to say that "Stardust Memories" is Allen's version of Fellini's "8 1/2". Just in the same way that Allen's "Deconstructing Harry" is his reaction to Bergman's "Wild Strawberries". But I don't want to get to involved with "Deconstructing Harry" or "Wild Strawberries". Let's take a look at the opening scene of "8 1/2", and please realize, you'll have to watch the opening credits:

Now that's a pretty incredible opening sequence. Now let's watch the opening sequence to "Stardust Memories". And please note, that the sound is terrible:

Doesn't it all feel a bit similar? And just now, I realized that I am partaking in film theory. But both characters are entrappted by glass on a seemingly moving vehicle. Both end up at the beach. One gets to fly like a kite, like a puppet. The other has to join the others and look at trash.

2008-09-09T13:29:00.001-07:00

This morning I woke up and did my usual. Made some coffee in the French Press, smoked some cigarettes, listened to Thin Lizzy's "Black Rose" album. Thought about the KK Project. Then I wondered what's going to happen today?

Got a call from Suzanne Stein. Suzanne asked me a while back to participate at this thing at the SF MOMA next weekend. Where they bring together a group comprised of bedwetters, drifters, gamblers, artists and other general loiters and a group of SF MOMA staff. We'll check out the art, then we'll discuss the art. And then I think we battle? I'm pretty sure this is what's happening. I think that it's also supposed to be filmed. So I sent Suzanne my bio and some other stuff. I'll keep you updated. I should've mentioned that I don't know shit about art. Whateves.

Right now, I just ate some couscous with veggies and doing laundry. I love doing laundry. It makes me feel like everything is pure and good again.

Last night, had a couple of drinks with Brandon at The Phone Booth. Listened to The Clash, drank some Tecates. Talked about Kansas City, There Will Be Blood, Fassbinder. Good times. Stopped by Whiskey Thieves for a nightcap. Talked to Matt about Tom Petty and those VH1 Classic album DVD series. If you haven't checked any of those out I highly recommend them. But I tell you the Stevie Wonder "Songs In The Key Of Life" one isn't really that good. But the Def Leppard "Hysteria" is. Especially the bonus features.

I'm going to the movies with Zeecee tomorrow. I don't know what to see. I still haven't seen the Dark Knight. They're showing The Godfather Part II at the Castro. I've been on a big Woody Allen kick and I'd like to see Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Whateves, going to the movies is always fun. Maybe we should smoke banana peels and go see Step Brothers. What do you recommend?

I Might Have To Kill A Chicken

2008-09-05T12:38:00.000-07:00

What's going on with me? Not much.

I've had a cold. My nose is running. My eyes are itchy. I've been taking Zinc. I think that Zinc is the most useless vitamin to ever exist. I might as well be taking Flinstone vitamins. And also, apparently, Zinc helps with the reproductive system. Why am I taking this? I don't want to help my reproductive system. If anything I should be trying to destroy my reproductive system. I'm going to go stand by the microwave for half an hour.

My roommate is out of town. So I'm currently in my underwear listening to John Cougar Mellencamp...really loudly. I actually do this when my roommate is around. But next time I go to the bathroom, I may not shut the door. I probably will though.

Currently reading Ralph Rosenblum's memoir, "When The Shooting Stops...The Cutting Begins." Rosenblum is a film editor. And he's got some stories about that (apparently film directors are crazy.) But he also talks some of the history of film editing, discussing the origins of the montage (those crazy Russians), Edwin S. Porter's decisions to cut from action sequence to another action sequence, D.W. Griffth's attempts to persuade studio heads to let him try doing a closeup. Rosenblum is mainly known as the editor on a lot of the 70's Woody Allen films, which he also talks a lot about.

Which is why I watched Annie Hall again about 5 days ago, and, I've watched again every day since. What a great fucking movie. I am going to say that again. What a great fucking movie. I also rewatched Manhattan and Bananas. I may watch Interiors tonight.

I've been feeling a bit lonely lately. Like I want to go on some dates. Or like I want to meet someone, that I deem worth asking out. Asking them out. Going on a few dates for about 2 weeks. Realize that I'm not so into them. Going out for another week. Feel uncomfortable. Try to persuade myself that I really like them and I'm enjoying our time together. Completely succeed at this. And then have them break it off with me. Feel hurt. And then comfort myself by having a couple of random awkward one night stands with someone else that I won't even really know or even like very much. Having reread what I just wrote, I realize that instead of trying to find someone to date, what I should be doing is trying to find a therapist. Like a really good therapist. Maybe a woman therapist that can give me tips on how to score babes.

I wrote a couple of rough drafts for some short films. The first is about this guy and a girl who are roommates. But the guy goes to jail for one reason or another. The girl has to get another roommate. The guy breaks out of jail. And then he returns back to the apartment and is upset with his old roommate for finding another roommate. Then the cops show up. It's much funnier than it sounds. There might be a dance sequence. The second script is about a romantic relationship between a man and a woman being torn apart because the man has been hosting cockfights in their apartment while the woman is at work. This isn't as funny as it sounds. In order, to make this one. I may have to kill a few chickens. I know, I know. That is really fucked up and wrong. But like the old saying goes, "Sometimes you've got to kill a couple of chickens if you wanna make a movie about cockfighting"

Everything Is Cinema

2008-08-26T12:46:00.000-07:00

I've been watching a lot of movies.

Stranger Than Paradise - This movie is even better than I remembered. I totally forgot about how each shot would end it would go to a black screen with the noise from the scene continuing. This added a lot to the mood of the film, which I'm still bewildered by. As I started watching Stranger Than Paradise, I realized:

A.) That this is Jarmusch's Master of Puppets

B.) That this is Jarmusch's Tokyo Story.

So, with dealing with topic B, I watched for camera movements. Well, there was actually a bit more movements in Paradise (maybe like 16) than in Tokyo Story (I'm pretty sure there was only 1). And when they reference Tokyo Story in the film, it's perfect. Cause, at first I thought they were looking in the paper, to go to the movies, but they're actually talking about going to the horse track, and Tokyo Story is the name of a horse. Awesome! Two scenes that also really stood out for me were: the scene where Willy and Eddie drink a beer. And the scene where they all go to the movies. Nothing happens in either, except they drink a beer and watch a movie. Both scenes go on for what people would think is too long. But they either become comical or make you feel uncomfortable without dialogue or movement. Do these scenes further the story at all. They might as you really just get to hang out with these characters. I highly recommend watching Stranger Than Paradise. And Tokyo Story. But maybe not back to back, that might be a little much. Maybe a little too boring.

A Woman Under The Influence - Just stop whatever it is that you thing you should be doing, right now, and go rent this movie. Right fucking now.

Dirty Harry - Another movie I hadn't seen this in forever. And I forgot that they shot this in San Francisco. How come they don't shoot movies here anymore? Hollywood used to shoot so many movies here: Dirty Harry, Bullit, The Conversation, Vertigo, Star Trek IV, etc, etc. Somebody should get this rocking again. The most recent Hollywood movie made here that I saw was some piece of shit movie starring Freddie Prince, Jr. That movie was terrible. Why did I even watch that? It was really fucking terrible. Maybe that movie ruined everything. Anyway, Dirty Harry. I think I remember seeing Hotel Essex in the movie, which is down the street from where I'm sitting right now. I wonder if that big neon Jesus Saves sign is still somewhere in the city? I didn't understand when the doctor said to Callaghan that "we Potrero Hills boys got to stick together" Do you Protero Hills boys have to stick together? Is Gene Hackman in The Conversation a Potrero Hill boy too? His office is in Potrero Hills, but if I can recall correctly, his home is in Nob Hill. I'm not sure. Do you think Dirty Harry knew Gene Hackman's character? Do you think Dirty Harry would have just shot Gene Hackman in the face. Not French Connection Gene Hackman, but The Conversation Gene Hackman. Didn't Clint Eastwood shoot Gene Hackman in the face in Unforgiven? Anywho, I highly reccomend Dirty Harry, The Conversation, The French Connection, Unforgiven, and Hollywood's return to the bay area.

Down By Law - Another Jim Jarmusch movie. Maybe his Ride The Lightning. This is great. A lot lot more camera movements than in Stranger Than Paradise. But the idea is the same: Put three interesting people together, give'em a situation, let us watch what happens. In this case it's a disc jockey, a pimp, and Italian tourist get thrown into jail together. They're all good eggs. One of my favorite things about Down By Law is the introduction of Roberto trying to talk to Tom Waits (the buzz off scene) way before anyone knows that they will wind up in jail. The scene is hilarious. And then it ends and a bunch of other stuff happens. And we kind of totally forget about Roberto cause so much shit is happening. And then we he reappears in the film going into the jail cell, you have to chuckle, "oh my god, I forgot about this dude." Taking maybe another salute to Ozu, is the very action left out of the movie. The jailbreak is not shown, but is sort of talked about. Roberto's crime and arrest aren't seen either, but discussed. The opening scene is great too, a fun tour of New Orleans, with a little Jockey Full of Bourbon on the radio.

The Blob - The Blob's pretty fucking cool. It's about this blob from outer space and it totally just goes around and eats people and fucks some stuff up. It's a crazy fucking blob. And the only one who can stop this crazy fucking blob is pretty boy Steve McQueen. Is Steve McQueen able to stop this blob? Well, I'm not going to tell you. For some reason, during this movie I was craving Ritz crackers with peanut butter. So I paused the movie and went to get some and it made me feel gross and weird.

Some Holy Shits!

2008-08-15T12:10:00.000-07:00

Holy Shit! It's Charlie Wagner's birthday! Happy birthday Chuckles!

Holy Shit! John Griener comes into town today. Get ready to watch baseball and drink some beers, which is what me and my friends do anyway. Only this weekend, John will be there too.

Holy Shit! New Bob Dylan record in October! Another Bootleg Volume (this makes 8) and those are always dynamite. This is unreleased, live, alternate takes from 1989 to present. Which are some fucking serious quality years for him. No live versions of London Calling or Brown Sugar though, but that's cool, I've already heard all that before.

Holy Shit! School starts next week. I can't wait. I feel like I got too much time on my hands. I just sit around and think about fornicating and drink too much. It's kind of boring. So I'm super excited to heading back to class. Zeecee (my BFF) and I are going over to campus later today to figure out where our classes are. I need to find Cloud Hall and Bungalow 304 in the afternoon while I'm fully caffeinated instead of at 8 in the morning when I'm moody and confused. I'll be making some films this semester, so if you want to be in one let me know and I'll write you a part.

Holy Shit! Issac Hayes and Bernie Mac back to back. Wasn't that the shittiest weekend. That was almost as bad as when Sammy Davis Jr and Jim Henson died on the same day. Or what about when Freddie Mercury and Kiss's second drummer Eric Carr (he was a fox, when they wore face paint) died on the same day. Fuck all that. I hate it when people die. And I hate it when 2 people die on the same day or in the same weekend. Here's a picture of Eric Carr in fox face paint and gear:

And to be honest with you, I have always thought that Kiss kind of sucks. Except for Christine Sixteen and Shock Me, and especially Paul Stanley's introduction of Shock Me on either Alive I or Alive II. Which is awesome. Totally awesome. But even though I do think that Kiss kinda sucks, I'm still not very happy that Eric Carr died. Look at that motherfucker! Look at that fox!

Oh and what about when Johnny Cash and John Ritter died on the same day.

Holy Shit, fuck that!

2008-08-11T13:40:00.000-07:00

Dudes, I'll be playing (music) at this thing, City Sessions tomorrow. Go to City Sessions website for all the info. It'll be a great and I hope to see you there. I'll be playing last, so aroun 11:15 or so, I imgaine.

2008-08-06T13:40:00.000-07:00

Did anyone see the brawl between my Royals and The White Sox? Miguel Olivio totally punched A.J. in the head. Zack Grienke later pegged Nick Swisher and got himself tossed. It was seriously my favorite moment of the season. Finally a little fire, a little reckless passion. I love it! And also what the fuck is up with Pierzynski's hair?

He is trying to look like a total fucking hipster. What a douchebag.

I just read that Adbuster's article on hipsters. What a bunch of horseshit.
We all think we despise hipsters(we actually just despise everyone). Even if we are one, we think that we're too cool to be even consider ourselves lumped in that category. People think I'm hipster. I don't think I am, but I probably am. I wear plaid shirts, I have a blog. The evidence against me is all over the place. And who fucking cares? Everyday, people ask me if my eyeglasses are real. And each time that happens I think, "I am being asked a very stupid question." When I see dudes wearing crazy tight skinny girl pants, my thoughts are "how the fuck can you move in those?" When I see people wearing ironic rock tee's I think, "I bet that shirt is really soft and comfy." It's all just fashion. It's cool. Girls look good with bangs. Pabst Blue Ribbon is a decent cheap beer. Now when the author (who is probably a fat blogger himself) says that people that ride fixed gear bikes, and wear american apparel v-necks have nothing original to contribute to culture, that's when I say that the author can go fuck himself. That sort of cynical mentality makes me want to vomit all over my tight girl pants. It's completely lazy journalism. There are so many people, deemed hipsters, that make great music, art, clothes, writings, etc. And some are just plain douchebags. Why didn't the author even bother to check that out. It wouldn't have taken that much time. Follow some fixed gears to their studio. Half an hour, tops. But it probably would have taken away from his cynical agenda. Fuck that. That's the kind of shit that makes me think that Neil Young is a douchebag.

blog form

2008-08-03T12:59:00.000-07:00

I totally did not really appreciate Peter O'Toole enough during Peter O'Toole appreciation month. I feel like a real turd about this. Apologies to my party people. Apologies to Peter O'Toole. I am looking forward to Robert Sellers' book "Hellraisers: The Inebriated Life and Times of Richard Burton, Peter O'Toole, Richard Harris & Oliver Reed". Maybe after I read that book, I'll be more inclined to appreciate Peter O'Toole in blog form. I want to say that again: blog form. That sounds disgusting. Anyway Peter O'Toole is a very fine actor and I highly recommend a lot of his films, especially Lawrence of Arabia, Beckett, and of course, My Favorite Year, which also is the screen debut of Mark Linn Baker, who later went on to soaring heights of fame as cousin Larry in the sitcom Perfect Strangers. An excellent sitcom. One more time: blog form.

2008-07-28T00:06:00.000-07:00

So I've been working on this huge book. Like Brothers Karamazov huge. Like Moby Dick huge. It's really cutting edge too. I thought I would share with you, my good readers, Part 1's Table of Contents.

1. Neighbor Dater
2. I Can't Go Camping
3. God Speed, Dummy
4. I Spilled Salsa on Myself
5. You Spilled Seltzer on Yourself
6. Home Girl Is Totally Not My Girlfriend
7. That Movie Made Me Dizzy
8. Gosh, I Could Really Go For Some Lunch
9. I Am So Sorry About Your Dog
10. Let's Pretend That Everything Is Awesome
11. Can I Borrow Your Backscratcher?
12. Can We Please Not Rent Gooines?
13. I Hate That Shit
14. Remember When I Got Attacked By A Komono Dragon? That Was Fucked Up.
15. That Prick Is A Total Cocksucker
16. That Food Made Me Full
17. How Much Should I Tip My Barber?
18. Let's Go Shoplifting
19. Voting Is A Real Hassle
20. That Bitch Is A Total Cocksucker
21. My Towels Aren't Clean
22. Can I Borrow Your Fork?
23. I Think I Feel Sick
24. Did You Read That Beetle Bailey Yesterday? You're Totally Sarge.
25. Let's Get Some Margaritas And See What Happens

And also, besides the point, did you see that Springsteen played "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" a couple of weeks ago in Finland? I wonder how that came about.

2008-07-22T10:03:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday Armand! You're tops, baby! I'd be nothing without you. Nothing! This is for you:

and

2008-07-16T17:52:00.000-07:00

Remember that midterm I was talking about? Remember the one that I mocked and killed? Well, we got'em back today and there it was: The Perfect Score! Yes, that's right, Two perfect scores in the class and I got one of them. Being in college is really fun when you get good grades. I never knew that before.

Had a great time playing last night at The Knockout. Great crowd. Great bands. Fucking fun hanging out with Brandon, John, and Seth. I love those dudes. Made some new friends after they split. A little tired today, but in good spirits.

Going to Dolores Park to wish Katie Edmonds a happy birthday! Happy Birthday, Katie!

2008-07-14T23:12:00.000-07:00

And Happy Birthday, Kate!

2008-07-11T23:20:00.000-07:00

Midterms. I fucking killed it. Laughed at it. murdered it. it wasn't even funny. my classmate bought me a beer at the break of class we killed it so much. Then I went to work. Bagging groceries. Killed that too. Laughed at the groceries. Mocked them. Put them in bags. Now, I'm on way to a party to party. And when I get home, if it's not too late, I'm going to watch The Color of Money and eat fried chicken.

Happy Birthday Ellen Cronin!

Latest blog in bullet form

2008-07-11T00:09:00.000-07:00

Hey, so, check out these bullets!

Is it just me or can anyone stop playing Mafia Wars on myspace? I got like 3 Italian restaurants and a tommy gun. Do you play this game? Let's start a mob, so that I can steal a car.

I'm playing a music show on Tuesday at the Knockout. show starts at 9:00. I go on at 9:00. It should be...

My birthday was on Sunday. It was pretty good. I only had like one and a half nervous breakdowns. My friend Elizabeth made me a mixed berry pie. I wrote a paper, which I deemed not good enough to turn in.

Some other blog is now reposting items from this blog and calling it their own. Ok it's not actually like that at all. My old friend Lilly is doing something with Green Lantern Blog and they like me so much that they are going to have me be a part of it. That's pretty cool, eh? So if you wanna reread that Def Leppard review I wrote, well, then, reread it.

Does anyone really know that "Thunderball" is the greatest action movie of all time. I got 3 words for you: underwater knife fight

Hey that new Beck is pretty good. A lot better than his last couple of records. The title track is fucking great. Keep in mind that this might change in a week.

Does anyone understand the semantics of dating?

I have made many plans to hang out with friends this week and have not shown up or called back. sorry friends! I love you! I got mid terms tomorrow. I sleep late. Let's hang out soon! Please!

I don't think that accelerated summer school is right for me. I like watching movies. But I also like to be able to process information.

With that said, for me, the difference on talking about movies and working on movies is huge. I'm big on the learning as you go. But I also like talking about movies. Today I thought up this movie I want to make called "Ice Cream Parlor" where some parents take their kids to an ice cream parlor, the parents start trying to hit on other parents at the parlor and the kids become cannibals with the other kids. Kinda like "Weekend" but no political stuff. It'll be short film. Maybe a pilot for a series!

Saw Sleepytime Gurrilla Museum tonight with Katie. Katie said something like they were thespian elves. That was kinda close. I think that they were more like Ren Fair kids that smoke pot and try to practice satanism in their spare time. I enjoyed the metal aspects of the show. The rest was kind of....ugh.

2008-07-04T02:23:00.000-07:00

and also cause "hey baby, it's the fourth of July"

2008-07-04T01:41:00.000-07:00

It's late and this has nothing to do with Peter O' Toole (or does it?) but I have a new favorite blog on the internet: Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Rule. Great stuff about films and cinematic stuff. go check it out.

OK, anyway, from the Peter O'Toole pages:

In 1959, O'Toole was cast as a Cockney sergeant in the play The Long And The Short And The Tall at the Royal Court Theatre.

His understudy was a young Michael Caine, and one Saturday night after the show O'Toole invited him to a restaurant he knew.

Eating a plate of egg and chips was the last thing Caine remembered, until he woke up in broad daylight in a strange flat.

"What time is it?" he inquired. "Never mind what time it is," said O'Toole. "What fucking day is it?"

It turned out that it was five o'clock in the afternoon two days later. Curtain-up was at eight.

Back at the theatre, the stage manager was waiting for them with the news that the restaurant owner had been in and banned them from his establishment for life.

Caine was about to ask what they'd done when O'Toole whispered: "Never ask what you did. It's better not to know."

Get Ready

2008-07-01T21:57:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the official Peter O' Toole month.
Let's start with a quote:

"Booze is an outrageous drug. But I don't regret one drop."

more blacklisting

2008-06-24T14:40:00.000-07:00

This is a really interesting article on Edward Dmytryk. He was a a director who was part of the Hollywood 10 (the first ten filmmakers who refused to name names) he then spent a while jailed for contempt. But then did in fact name names so he could he return to work. Enjoy.

blog rivaling

2008-06-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

Dudes, did you know that Soumeya has a blog? Well, she fucking does. In fact, I'm so threatened that she'll steal my loyal readers, that I am making her blog my rival blog. Nothing like a good old fashioned blog rivalry to really get people out of their seats and take notice and action. So let's get started. In Soumeya's blog, she was talking the other day about astrology. Well, Soumeya, I bet you didn't take into account that Meredith Baxter Birney is a cancer sign. While Michael Gross is a gemini. And this right here is direct quote from some asshole's blog:

"Cancer is sensitive at love and Gemini’s roving eye would wound Cancer. Cancer needs security and Gemini will not be tied down. Cancer is moody and Gemini has a sharp tongue. Not a good match. Passionate Cancer fulfills Gemini’s physical needs, and Gemini’s cheerfulness brightens Cancers disposition. Gemini is flirtatious and would wound Cancer’s sensitive nature. Cancer needs security and Gemini hates to be tied down."

So tell me if that's the case how can you explain how Family Ties ever even happened? So your astrology theory (That it kind of works or whatever) is totally like super crazy weak.

motherfucking happiness pictured above

Dudes, did you know that Eli Kazan was called to testify before the House of Un-American Activities Committee? Yes he was, and you know what he totally named names. Yep, that's right, he totally named names.

From Wikipedia (which could be completely untrue, but still interesting):

"Some have perceived elements of Kazan's own reaction to his critics in the film On the Waterfront, in which the protagonist courageously agrees to testify against his former mentor, a corrupt dockland union boss. Arthur Miller in his turn responded with the play A View from the Bridge, also set among dock-workers, in which his main character informs on two illegal immigrants based on ignoble, self-serving motivations."

Kazan and Miller in happier times, before Kazan done fucked up.

I think we got a double feature to watch if anyone's interested. Well actually, we may not be able to do that because A View From A Bridge, while it was made into a film (in 1962 in Finland of all places) it doesn't really seem that available. Who still has a VCR?

*UPDATE*

Apparently, 2 years ago, it was announced that a new film version of A View From A Bridge was to be made by Barry Levinson. But as far as I can find out, it never happened or hasn't happened yet. A.V.F.A.B. was also turned into an opera in 1999 by William Bolcom.

is a dream a lie if it don't come true...

2008-06-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

You know, I didn't go see Redbelt, it ended it's run last Friday. But I had a dream that David Mamet was in a band with John Doe before X. I don't remember David and John's band name, but they were hugely influential. The dream didn't have a lot of footage from their shows, but there were a lot of photos. And David had a big young Nick Cave hairdo. I just looked around the internet to see if any of this was true. Sadly, it was not. If anyone is decent at photoshop and can help recreate this picture for me, I would be forever in your debt.

Also, tomorrow is my friend Seth's birthday. Happy birthday Seth! His band Sterling Says, or I mean Sterling is playing at The Knockout on Monday. You should go and pick up their split 7". It's really fucking good.

And also again, my friend Ashley Miller, has a new solo album that you can download for free here. I haven't listened to it yet. But I bet you a dollar, there's a drum machine on it somewhere. And maybe a kazoo, although I wouldn't bet a dollar on that. I'm looking forward to hearing it as much as you are.

It's a strange and awkward world

2008-06-18T01:57:00.000-07:00

I'm in over my head. What happened to my leisurely lifestyle? Well, I guess I needed to rest up. Two months ago I had a life with no job, no girlfriend, no activities really whatsoever. I mean, really, life was really simple.

Wake up, work out, drink some coffee, read, eat, read, eat, go to sleep.

Now, it's hectic again. work, school, neighbor dating, and now more stuff that's coming up on top of that: working on Anjali Sundaram's new movie as a production assistant, playing a couple of shows in July with Oakland's finest, Alright Class. Now, I actually want to do a reading this summer, just to feel like a real Renaissance man. So book me for a reading.

I don't know how i feel about playing shows anymore. For me, playing music or thinking about doing anything with music more than a hobby, triggers thoughts of resentment. I mean here's the thing: (and you can agree or disagree as much as you'd like, just don't tell me about it, cause I don't care to hear it) I'm not really that good at it. I used to pin all of my happiness on making music and being successful at it. I was jealous of people more talented, more successful, and hated myself for not being successful and not being as talented as I should be. Basically, it felt like I spent years trying to be with a girl who just never wanted to be with me. So, last summer, I decided to go get this out of my system, get something that you can finally feel proud of. So I recorded with a man I greatly admire, Ralph Carney. And it was great. Ralph is probably in the top ten greatest people I have met. After recording with him, I still remember, overhearing him one night at Doc's Clock saying something along the lines: As far as other people I've worked with, Steve is just as good of a songwriter as any of them. Or something along those lines. And for me, I was sort of done with it all after that. I felt this sense of satisfaction that I aways longed to have.

And I wanted to be over it. I needed to move on to something new. I felt like alright, I am never going to sleep with this girl, so fucking forget it! You don't want me, well, fuck you. So as far as I am concerned, if someone wants me to play a show, I'll play a show. If someone wants me to write a song for some reason, I'll throw'em a song. But other than that. It's a hobby and I am happy to treat it as such.

And remember readers, there's really nothing better than smoking some cigarettes, listening to the Stones at 2 in the morning.

Drinking Black Coffee (and I stare at the wall)

2008-06-17T12:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I went to my first day of school. I got to school early, in order to give myself plenty of time to find the building that I was supposed to be in. Once I found it, I went on a search for coffee. This felt much more difficult. I walked for what seemed like forever, and I became more desperate with every non coffee step that I took. Finally I saw some girl drinking coffee on a bench. I ran up to her and said, "You got coffee! Where did you get coffee?" She looked scared. And, I imagine, rightfully so, cause I was acting like a beast. She just pointed to a building, that had a big sign that said "CAFE". I thanked her and left. There were about 3 people in front of me. Here's a sample of how that went.

Customer #1: Do you have any soup?
Counter dude: No, we don't have any soup
Customer #1 takes a very long pause to look at the menu
Customer #1: What's an everything bagel?
Counter dude: It's a bagel that has an assortment of seeds.
Customer #1: Does it have poppy seeds?
Counter dude: yeah.
Customer #1 takes a very long pause to look at the menu
Customer #1: Do you have cream cheese?
Counter dude: yeah.
Customer #1 takes a very long pause to look at the menu
Customer #1: Can I get an everything bagel with cream cheese?
Counter dude rings her up.
Counter dude: NEXT!
Customer #2: Do you have any soup?

I'll just stop there. You know where this is going. But, if you know me, You know I'm a fairly mild mannered person. And I did behave that way. But I swear, on the inside I was having a complete freak out. Eventually, I got some coffee. Took my ass back to the building, where I was supposed to be. Looked for the entrance, walked to the other side of the building and then I saw it: a mother fucking coffee stand. You got to be fucking kidding me. For reals?

The class that I had was a Film History class. Starting with the 1940's U.S. Cinema. Which, means Film fuckin' Noir. Oh, hell yeah. It was great. Our teacher lectured and brought something up that I never even thought before: the idea of film noir as a movement versus film noir as a genre. I've always considered it more of a genre than a movement. And I still do. Tough detective, crime & mystery, the femme fatale. But I do suppose that historically, it was a movement in a similar sense to the Italian Neo-Realism movement, The French New Wave. Stylistically, it is it's own beast. The camera angles, the voice overs, the shadows, the rain. But then the argument of 'what is film noir?" really comes into question. Is Sunset Boulevard film noir? I never thought so. Is "Chinatown film noir?' I always thought so. But if noir is considered a movement, than Sunset is and Chinatown is not. Anyway, I found it to be an interesting topic of discussion. On Wednesday, we are watching Mildred Pierce, which from what my teacher says is one of the more debatable "is it film noir?' films out there. Then we watched "Laura", a movie I have never seen before. It was great to have a teacher there pointing out camera angles, lighting, and that stuff.

My Frida Confusion

2008-06-16T19:13:00.000-07:00

So I thought about bailing on the Frida exhibit when I saw the very long, very slow moving line. I decided to definitely bail when I realized it was for Frida Kahlo and not the Frida who was once a member of ABBA, sometimes known as Anni-Frid Lynstad. Frida had, arguably the biggest post ABBA record with her Phil Collins produced record "I Know There's Something Going On" which sold about 3.5 million copies over the world, including number 1 spot in France, Belgium, Switzerland and Costa Rica. Here's a video from Danish television:

Pretty cool, eh? I don't know much about this other Frida, but apparently she looks like one legged, uni-browed Selma Hayek. I don't know if that's appealing.

some plans

2008-06-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

Last Night: Saw Sam Shepard's Buried Child at the Actor's Theatre. C'mon dudes paint the walls of the set, it looks like a shack. And find a more realistic dead baby. Elizabeth thought it was a potato.

Tonight: Going to see the Frida exhibit at the SFMOMA. I hear that there aren't going to be a lot of people there. I hear that the lines won't be that long. I don't know what to wear.

Tomorrow: Bagging groceries. Feeding Elizabeth's fishes.

Sunday: Bagging groceries. Feeding Elizabeth's fishes.

Monday: Wake and bake. First day of school at City College. feeding fishes.

This Week's Weak Awards

2008-06-10T03:38:00.000-07:00

team of the week: Tampa Bay Rays. Jesus, as a Royals fan, I gotta say I am totally jealous of the Rays. Not only are they really young and talented, but they got heart, spirit, and enjoy the fucking hell out of beating the shit out of Coco Crisp. The Royals, they seem indifferent. The Rays, they seem fired up.

movie of the week: Sleepaway Camp. This is my friend Elizabeth's favorite movie. And for good reason. A bunch of robbies get killed. They play a really long game of softball. And the ending is such a shocker that you'll...I don't even know. The ending is such a shocker. Total shocker. My only problem with Sleepaway Camp was that there were no gratuitous boob shots. But Sleepaway Camp 2 has got plenty of that. Thank god. I also saw the first 3 and a half hours of Berlin Alexanderplatz at the SFMOMA this week. And I like it. But to be honest, It's really not a movie, it's a mini-series. It wasn't made to be shown at the pace that SFMOMA is showing it. And although, I'm happy that SFMOMA is doing this, and that I can go see it, I don't think theater viewing in bloc form is how Berlin Alexanderplatz is meant to be seen. It's too much at once. And I am shocked that anyone could have enough energy to want to have to have a round table discussion about it immediately afterwards.

And to dispute the SFMoma's blog: it not at all like climbing Mount Everest in the least, it's actually more like watching a super long, super German mini-series. Who falls asleep in the middle of climbing a mountain: not a lot of people. Who falls asleep while watching a super long, super German miniseries: a lot of people.

I am not going to this week's showing of episodes 4-7, cause
The Actor's Theatre is putting on a performance of Sam Shepard's Buried Child. Which is a play that I have read and love, but never seen performed before. So I gotta go. I gotta see it. I also hope to catch Redbelt at the Lumiere this week. And I hope that that might be next week's movie of the week. But we'll have to wait and see, cause Elizabeth just informed me that she recently purchased Sleepaway Camp 3. And by the way, did I mention that Sleepaway Camp is awesome? No? Well, it is.

job of the week: Whole Foods. Sometimes if I over think things, I get depressed about being a 28 year old grocery bagger. Fortunately, I hardly ever over think anything. But, truth be told, I'm really good at bagging groceries. I can bag 2 registers at the same time. And I didn't even get trained. It's all natural instinctive skill. And I get a discount on groceries. And I finally have a job.

album of the week: Neil Diamond - Beautiful Noise. I've actually been listening to Neil's greatest hits way more. But naming an actual album is way more cool. This is produced by The Band's Robbie Robertson, which is actually surprising, cause I don't think that there's a guitar on the record. Seriously, there's more flutes than there are guitars. Weird. But fuck it, dude. This record is full of great Neil Diamond songs. I also recommend Neil's Hot August Night record, which is a live record. Neil goes "Woo!" a fucking shit ton. Which is fucking awesome.

dude that performed a bunch of awesome songs, played a box shaped guitar, who was in a Nike commercial with Bo Jackson, who's awesome, who actually invented a rhythm which bears his name, who died this week, of the week: Bo Diddley

Goodfellas

2008-06-10T00:53:00.000-07:00

Martin Scorsese: Some people said that it was impossible that gangsters would have been listening to "Sunshine Of Your Love" by Cream in 1967, but I pointed out that the song was on American radio in the Top 40, so they heard it anyway, whether they liked it or not! I used that song for the scene when Jimmy (Robert De Niro) is at the bar looking around deciding that he has to get rid of all these people, and the camera moves into his face very slowly. We tried ten songs and the most interesting turned out to be "Sunshine": we found his eyes were just perfect with that shot at high speed, and it gave a real sense of danger and sexuality.

Today's Fun Events

2008-06-05T09:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight I'll be heading to the MOMA to begin the movie marathon that is Berlin Alexanderplatz. What is Berlin Alexanderplatz? It's like 16 hours long film directed by crazy German director Rainer Werner Fassbinder. I don't know all that much about the film, but it's supposedly Fassbinder's "Master of Puppets". And if that's true, if that makes Ali: Fear Eats The Soul his "Ride The Lightening" than it'll be fucking awesome. I believe they'll be showing the first couple of episodes tonight and some more next week, and then some more the week after and so on until they've showed the whole fucking thing. I guess. Brandon Brown will be writing his thoughts, opinions, and views on the this long ass fucking movie at the SFMOMA blog. Brandon will probably also be sharing what we eat before the movie at his food blog, which I just found out about.

Today is also Major League Baseball's First Year Player Draft. Where teams pick some high school or college baseball player, give him a couple of million dollars, and send him to the minor leagues, wait about 3 years to find out if he's actually really fucking good (or a dead armed bum) and then let him become a member of the actual team. It almost always, never really works out the way the player or the team originally envisions. It's not actually very exciting, cause for the most part no one hasn't ever heard of the kid, and almost no one is going to see him play for a few years. Am I excited? FUCK YES! The Royals have the 3rd pick overall. The Rays, who have the 1st pick are going to be selecting High School phenom Tim Beckham. The Pirates are probably going to select the very talented and slightly injured Pedro Alvarez from Vanderbilt. But the Royals? Not really sure who they're going to pick. I'm hoping for college first baseman Justin Smoak. He's a switch hitter, who apparently is a pretty fucking good. And I like his name: Smoak. The draft is fun. It gives you a moment to enjoy your team while not watching them lose 13 out of their last 15 games. It's also the only time where I feel ok by being excited by kids in high school. I swear it's the only time.

The last time I dated a high schooler, I was 22 and worked the graveyard shift at a gas station.

No wait...she had just dropped out of high school.

Her name was Heather.

Let's do lunch

2008-06-04T14:03:00.000-07:00

So it's been dawning on me for a while. Almost all of my friends work 9-5 jobs. In offices somewhere. My new job starts at usually 3 in the afternoon and usually goes to about 10:30. And I also work weekends. So I'm unable to see any of friends. But what I realize is that you people get lunch breaks, while I am at home reading your blog. So let's hang out on your lunch breaks. We can get coffee or a corndog. Talk about stuff! And then I'll come home and I'll write about our lunch. So just drop me a line. Let's do lunch.

Let's get drunk and vote

2008-06-03T14:32:00.000-07:00

You might be voting for this dude. But I'm still voting for Huckabee. Did you know that Huckabee used to be fat? Did you know that Huckabee gave a pardon to Keith Richards in Arkansas. He may not believe in UFO's, but I still like him. I like him a shit ton.

2008-05-29T17:09:00.000-07:00

The Royals have now lost 10 in a row. And last night was the worst. Up 8-3, bottom of the ninth. Twins come back and score 5 to tie. Then they finished off the Royals with another in the 10th. And the results are: Billy Butler gets sent down to Triple A. Jose Guillen calls his teammates a bunch of babies. Trey Hillman gets drunk. Dayton Moore throws a broken maple bat at a group of autistic children. Tony Pena Jr returns to the eye doctor. And me, I'm looking at the standings, possibly considering picking out my new favorite team. Should I? I don't even know if I can watch the game tonight. I don't if I can handle watching them lose 11 in a row. Maybe I should take an entire week off of baseball. Not even check the box scores.

UPDATE!: So I'm watching the game. The Royals are losing 5-0. I thinking of getting a new hobby altogether.

The Week Awards

2008-05-27T00:58:00.000-07:00

Team of the week: The Royals are fucking killing me. Fucking killing me. I was under the impression that they would be better. They're terrible. But it is kind of interesting to see a team "boycott" scoring runs.

Movie of the week: The Orphanage. The only movie I watched this week. What I don't understand is why wouldn't you just move out of the creepy haunted orphanage? And actually, why would you move in there in the first place?

Job of the week: Spike's Coffee and Teas. I got to eat a bunch of bagels. Drink a gallon of coffee. Listen to the Beach Boys with Kate. Call Katie Webb a tramp. Start a bromance with Mark. A bunch of us are going to sing some karaoke next week (I always sing the Ghostbusters Theme, but I might try to do "We Didn't Start The Fire"). And we made some plans to see Judas Priest this summer.

Album of the week: Judas Priest - British Steel

Celebrity Director, who directed Tootsie, who also died this week, of the week: Sydney Pollack

2008-05-16T17:16:00.000-07:00

(AP) - OMFG! Shania Twain and Mutt Lange's storybook romance has come to an end. Apparently, Twain escaped from Mutt's evil platinum underground laboratory while Mutt was taking a nap. Twain, last week, found the blueprints to the evil platinum underground laboratory that Mutt kept her in. After discovering that there was in fact an exit, she decided to make the breakout attempt. Upon exiting Twain lived in the woods for a few days, surviving on leaves and ticks. Twain had to leave behind her 6 year old son, cause he would've apparently "slowed her down."

2008-05-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, ok, more blogging. Today we get a new poem called:

"SOME GIRLS AND WOMEN"

please read my blog it's really cutting edge. I have already
read your blog. and I guess I talk about the same
sorta things. only I go slightly more in depth
I've probably read Dante's Inferno at least 100 times. I'm
a real bookworm. I'm very intellectual
I have been growing a soul patch even
as we speak. I was a rabid panther
& you were prey. I double check for more meat
on the bone. I talk sexy. You like this?
You do. My dad bought it for me. credit
Publishers were lining up even before I won the
Lenore Marshall Poetry Prize Remember when I won?
It was a landslide. The Academy of American Poets
all got big boners for me. i am surrounded by boners

She said she used my manuscript as a manual to clean
buttholes. I had to call my sponsor. said poetry
sounds like gibberish. Not mine. Yes yours.
deflated I was and is
I waited for her to mispronounce big words
and planned to laugh I had been hoping to hump her
She does her own taxes. And so would I if I were
a part of that bracket
I wanted her to make me waffles & only have a portion
I'm working on a new play about the sexualization
of Shirley Temple. I'll be playing Graham Greene

My palms became pale. Your skin it
reeked. We split a twix. I bragged about the room
I do extraordinary things and stuff. Girls and women love
this type of talk. They want it To keep going and going
I could go all night if necessary she's a real hellcat
after a couple She's always trying to be sexy around me
but I got bigger fish to fry she should be totally ticked off

most of my friends are DJ's & all the others are rollerbladers
so very little impresses me.

At the supermarket buying cream of wheat and condoms
We were nervous perverts. I am very comfortable with
vaginas. She whispered gibberish in my ear. I paid with a
VISA. "Sting does it tantric" I laughed. But I
seriously don't have that sense of energy. We threw
rotten meat at the neighbors I was comfortable
with condoms. I paid. I laughed. I threw up.
five dollars for wine did not go to waste
to tell the truth I can not believe that no one wet the bed

I awoke doing things She was getting I'm getting
I'm talking she was doing and I turn
I'm moving at the ceiling was she
No one believes me, but it's very true. This happens to be
the only font that I will work with
I waited and planned She does a part I wanted I'm working
We listened to The Moonglows to Dion
Chicks dig doo wop and I got a whole box set of this
I wear very expensive cologne. I'm sure that there are some
that there are some out there who are not familiar
with all of my catch phrases
so just remember that i was once you
and it was pathetic. so let me know if you need a sponsor

I awoke again on the couch. She was a few feet away
Doing things in the kitchen. It was seven in the morning.
She was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?"
"I'm getting ready for work. What are you doing?"
"I'm talking in my sleep." She went back to what
she was doing. I laid there on the couch. Stared at the ceiling
and I listened to her
turn the faucet on and off, then on and off again.
"I'm moving out today." I stopped looking
at the ceiling and looked towards the kitchen.
Her back was to me. Washing dishes. I didn't repeat myself
She had heard. She
just kept washing dishes. I didn't repeat myself
I went back to staring at the ceiling. There was nothing
No noise Just thin yellow air
She dried her hands walked over to the couch. she stood there
I turned and looked at her. We just looked at each other
And not for very long. "I gotta go to work"
She walked away. I just stared at the place in the room
where she had been standing. She had gone down
the hall. A few minutes went by. The front door
opened and shut
She gone to work
I was happy that she had gone that I was leaving

I Am A Bitter Man

2008-05-08T19:10:00.000-07:00

So, maybe you knew that I was a musician. Maybe you've seen me play show here or there. There's about 35 people that have. And I've always been "OK" with my lack of popularity. I do what I do, some people like it. Some people do not. Some people don't care. Now, I totally some how missed that whole San Francisco "freak-folk" bit. I was around. I was playing shows. I was friends with some "freak-folkers" but nothing ever happened....for me...with that. But that's ok, I do what I do. Some people like it. Some people do not. Joanna Newsom once said to me "you know you got this whole Springsteen thing, and it's really great, cause no around is really doing that." That was 2002. It's 2008 now. Springsteen's hip, and everyone around is doing that. And here I am, in my pajamas writing this blog. Now if you're one of the 35 people, you've probably noticed the Springsteen song "State Trooper" being played at almost every show I've played in the last 2 years. So just watch these:

But on the bright side, I think that my interview at Whole Foods went really well.

I'm Moving To Jersey

2008-05-08T10:15:00.000-07:00

I'm seriously moving to New Jersey. Why? Well, by not living in New Jersey I missed the Bruce Springsteen show last night in Red Bank, New Jersey. And now maybe you're asking yourself, "So, you've seen Springsteen 3 times this last year." This is true. But I did not see this show. What's so special about this show? OK, I'll tell you. Bruce Springsteen played one of my favorite albums of all time Darkness On The Edge of Town in it's entirety. Start to finish. And that's fucking rad. That could be the coolest thing on Earth. But then after he played all of Darkness, it officially became the coolest thing to ever happen in the history of things and stuff. What happened? Springsteen, then plays all of Born To Run in it's entirety! The ooze that was my brain is running out of my ears. HUH? And then he plays a motherfucking encore. This is all taking place, while I am my in pajamas, watching Family Guy reruns, contemplating if I even have enough energy to jerk off. So, I'm fucking out of here. I got a life to live. I got a world to see.

Emily Lakin, if you're reading this, call your mom and tell her that I'll be there by the weekend. And I want pot roast for dinner.

Current Events

2008-05-06T13:47:00.000-07:00

I'll be the first to admit that I don't really keep up on current events. I don't really follow the news. I'm always a couple of years behind. But I was watching Conan O'Brien last night and he was talking about a Miley Cyrus scandal. And then on cocktail garnet there was more talk of a Miley Cyrus scandal. So I started wondering what is this Miley Cyrus scandal that everyone is talking about? So I googled Miley Cyrus and there was a bunch of topics about the Vanity Fair pictorial done by Annie Lebowitz. So then I decided, let's see what the stink is. So I googled for the imagine. And I found out. And I was shocked. And I was confused.

How fucking long has this been going on? First of all Shaq is way too old to be dating Miley Cyrus. Second of all, where the fuck is his shirt? As far as the photograph, I do think it's tasteful. Annie Lebowitz is quite the craftswoman. She's got a real knack for photography.

The Spice

2008-05-06T11:50:00.001-07:00

For some reason, Netflix things that I love Kevin Costner and all I want to do with large amount of spare time the I have is watch Kevin Costner movies. Dear Netflix, I do not love Kevin Costner. I don't want to see Waterworld based on my recent interest in Barton Fink, Ghostbusters 2, and The Talented Mr. Ripley. And I don't want to watch the fucking Postman. You think that because I watched The Bad News Bears that means I really want to watch Tin Cup. That's really the impression that I give you. Stop pushing your Kevin Costner agenda bullshit on me. But I will probably watch The Untouchables, but based on my interest on Sean Connery not Kevin Costner.

In other news, I discovered the recipe on how to have the perfect morning:

1 pot of premium coffee
5-7 Camel lights
A comfortable sofa
Reign in Blood by Slayer

I haven't felt this alive since the 4th of July. Seriously give yourself about half an hour everyday to enjoy these things. You'll be ready for anything and you'll feel great about yourself.